When you're left with little else to think.

A conundrum that's impossible to solve
A pendulum that never stops oscillating
A pms-ing woman with severe mood swings
A mystery that doesn't want to be unraveled

Maybe you're one of the above
or maybe you're all of the above.

At times,
you make me feel special.
Oh, the kind of happiness you can bring me.
A teaspoon of effort or less
generates enough megawatts to last me through many days.
Yeah, it's almost ridiculous
how little it takes for you to make me happy.
It's as if you've cast me under a spell
and I'm utterly, completely helpless.

At other times,
you make me feel nonexistent.
It's as though I'm talking to a brick wall.
Whatever I say, whatever I ask
doesn't seem to be worth replying.
And I'm left here, wondering:
have I been an irritating nuisance?
have the phone networks gone dysfunctional?
have you fallen ill?
what should I do now?
should I stop saying anything?
is that what you want?
or did you not intend to not reply?
Please say something, anything.
'Cause I've no idea what to do.
You said this kind of thing doesn't annoy you,
but I shouldn't take your statement for granted, right?

Sometimes,
it's as though your existence in my life
serves to help me understand the things I never used to.
There were some things that were said to me before
that I didn't understand at the time
that I grew to understand because of you.
As crazy as it sounds,
you seem to bring out my masculine side.

I want to have faith in you
but I am so afraid to be wrong.
The last time I met you
was nothing short of blissful.
I want to believe that that's you,
and that everything's cool between us
but I'm running out of excuses to give you
'cause no matter what,
if I matter even the slightest to you,
you won't ignore me like this.
So perhaps the truth is that
I really don't matter.
Do I?
It's a little hard to believe
because just last week it seemed as though I do matter.
Perhaps if you could just be a little more consistent
I won't be thinking about this so much.
So if I really don't matter,
please
PLEASE
the next time I see you
really act as though I don't matter.
'Cause I'm really tired of this
of keeping my faith in you
of giving you excuses that aren't even for myself.
I want to know what to believe in.
Just don't leave me hanging.

And yet,
despite how tired I am of all this,
I still miss you so so much.
And I keep wishing that you're alright out there.
I'm really pathetic aren't I?

Sorry,
if I've been nothing but a nuisance in your life.
I just wanna be friends.

An enigma that my brain refuses to let go.

Is it so hard to understand
that I just want to be friends?
Yeah I'm probably pretty damn obvious
I'm not the type who hides my feelings very well
But that doesn't mean I'm out to get you
Nah, I'm not into relationships at the moment.

All I want, really
is just for you to talk to me
like you would a normal friend.
Do I frighten you?
Does the sight of me makes you want to run away?
Would you rather not have me around?
Should I just freaking disappear?

How am I supposed to approach you?
At times, you're as quiet as stone
as cold as ice
as unapproachable as an aloof prince from some distant land
But I've known of times when
you were so easy to talk to
so easy to see eye-to-eye with
so comfortable to have around

What is the reason behind your cold, aloof moments?
What is the reason behind your friendlier, more talkative side?
Do the reasons have anything to do with me?

If I'm friendly towards you
would you think I'm flirting with you
and thus run away?
Or would you be glad for the friendliness
and reciprocate it by being just as friendly?

If I act nonchalant towards you
would you be relieved that maybe I don't have a crush on you anymore
and thus be more at ease around me?
Or would you thus think that I don't like having you around
and be equally nonchalant in return?

See,
I'm not a very bold person
I act based on how I gauge the person's mood and feelings
when you're quiet,
I'm at a loss for words
I just don't know what to say
even though I so very badly want to say something.
When you're quiet,
I'd think that you consider me a very boring company
and it pressurizes me to find something to say
anything
just to hopefully alleviate the boredom.
When you're talkative
it pleases me tremendously
and I become just as talkative.
I love it when you're talkative
because as stupid as it sounds
talking to you makes me happy.

Are you like me?
Or are you friendlier to me the colder I am to you?
Please enlighten me
because I feel really lost
I don't know how am I supposed to approach you
Will I frighten you by being friendly?
Will I sicken you with my presence if I'm around too much?
Will I just distance myself from you by being nonchalant?
Tell me, please
I'm so scared of losing you
I don't know why
you shouldn't even be of any importance to me
we're hardly close
you're not like some VIP that I'd make sure to keep in touch with
for future use
you're not even close to being a guy I'd consider 'ideal' for me
you smoke
you're shy
you're hardly passionate
you're a sports fan and I watch hardly any sports
I don't know
when I think of all these things
I always wonder why I'm so hung up over you
why thoughts of you can make me cry
you hardly deserve those tears
you, who doesn't give a damn.
Or at least, I think you don't give a damn.
I should keep thinking that way
because maybe, just maybe
it'll be easier to forget that way.

Though I say all these,
my mind likes to flit back to that night
when I felt so at ease around you
and you seemed to be more comfortable around me too.
Maybe that was just a once-off thing
which didn't mean anything.
But why does my heart refuse to believe
that it didn't mean anything?
After today,
I should be further convinced that it didn't mean anything.
Maybe it really meant nothing after all.

I feel so crappy I can die and be glad.

The insatiable me.

Imagine that you are working in a candy factory
and you are told to produce a specific type of candy
ONE specific type of candy.
Yeah, it's your specialty.
The kids can't get enough of it
the adults can't get enough of it
even your boss can't get enough of it
so you have to keep making it
and making it
and making more of it.
It just goes on and on
seemingly with no end.

Maybe you're not like me
you're happy to live on a stable income
even if it means
you do practically the same thing everyday.
Each new day simply means
more candies to be made
more candy-fans to please
more dollars to earn.
You're happy because
you're so skilled at making that candy
that you can just let your hands do the magic
while your brain can rest in peace.
It gives you comfort
knowing that you've done this a million times before
and people trust you
knowing that you've done this a million times before
with satisfying results.

But if you're like me
you'd be constantly wondering
how much are you missing out on life
by making candies everyday.
After all, it's not like the world revolves around candies.
Won't there be one day
when you feel as though
you've had enough of making candies
and you feel like making chocolates instead?
They're not completely different
yet your expertise lies not in chocolates
but in candies.
What's wrong, though
with wanting to branch out to other things?
Maybe you can scrap candies completely
and start making noodles!

But will you be as good a noodle-maker
as you are a candy-maker?
Will you be earning less
because customers are too scared to try your noodles?
...isn't there only one way to find out?

At least if you can make candies and noodles
whenever you get bored with candies,
you can make noodles
and vice versa.
If you can have multiple careers,
why not, really?

If I can
I'd love to sing
I'd love to dance
I'd love to choreograph
I'd love to paint
I'd love to design
I'd love to write
I'd love to make music
I'd love to learn as many ways as I can
to express myself
because I know myself enough to know that
singing my whole life won't make me happy
dancing my whole life won't make me happy
painting my whole life won't make me happy
designing my whole life won't make me happy.
Sometimes I'll be inspired to sing
other times I'll be inspired to dance
other times I'll be inspired to draw.
Why limit yourself to one thing, really?

But is versatility for everyone?
Maybe I'm just this way
because of my personality.
Maybe some people are happy
to just paint their whole lives
because they are passionately and deeply in love with painting
and they can commit themselves
to a monogamous marriage
to the art of painting.
Maybe I'm too greedy
thus unable to be monogamous forever
because I'm afraid that I'm losing out on life.
Or maybe I'm still finding myself
and a true love
that can make my heart stop flapping its restless wings.

Honestly,
I don't know whether I want those wings to stop flying.
I really don't.

Me and emotions.

I am but a swimmer
who loves her wild, moody sea
sometimes it's dark and stormy
the violent currents strong enough
to make every bone crush
every muscle cry
every vein burn.
sometimes it's excited and gleeful
the waters rolling in waves
the multitudes of fish celebrating along
surrounding me with their vibrant colors.
oh there are so many of them
most I can't even name
but they inhabit my sea
and for that I love them.
I most dread the time
when the torrential waves die down
and give way to a calm, serene ocean
when I can just float
and end up wherever
because it is during those times
that I feel the least alive.
During dark, stormy times
I get so caught up in the turbulent waters
unable to move
feeling only pain and disorientation
controlled completely
utterly helpless.
I know I should try to control it
this ocean that belongs to me
who knows how much of that pain
of strong, violent currents
that my human body can take.
What if it kills me one day?
But I know I can never get enough
of those happily swimming colorful fish
of the exhilaration I feel
when the ocean's gleeful waves transport me
to places I would never have known otherwise.
Those turbulent whirlpools
though painful and dreadful
are equally capable of carrying me
to otherwise-unknown places.
And somehow I know in my heart
that without allowing the stormy nights to exist
I'll never have the gleeful high either
after all
what goes up will have to go down eventually.
Maybe one day I should learn
to control this sea better
but for now
I'm happy enough letting it be
and discovering all sorts of places
that I'd never reach
if I keep forcing the sea to calm down.

Is it love?

People say that dreams often convey your heart's greatest desires. Well, that may be true, because this morning I had a dream that I so badly wanted to be real, but reality came crashing down on me and when I opened my eyes, I realized that it couldn't be anything more than a dream. And hell, reality sucks. It felt so real and so good, which is all great and nice, but is it worth the inevitable disappointment that you'd feel upon waking up? You're given the chance to have what you want for maybe an hour (nobody could measure dream-time anyway) only to know just how good it feels to have it, making reality seem suckier than it actually is. Before you got the dream, at least. So, is the dream nice by letting you have a taste of your fantasy, or is it being mean by showing you just how good it is to have something that you can't ever have?

For all I know, I may just be overthinking and exaggerating things, but that's exactly why I need to let it out here in the form of writing; for if I keep it bottled up inside, I know I'd just burst and overthink even more. My words may be vague and unspecific, but I guess it doesn't really matter, because I'd rather have no one besides myself know exactly what happened. I know you probably wouldn't ever read this, but I guess that's exactly why I'm writing this here; to act as if I'm speaking to you, knowing that it'll never be the case. I guess I'm not brave enough to say these to you yet.


It's been hardly a day
but not one second since I left
have you ever been absent from my mind.
I want this invasion to be over soon
because it just keeps reminding me
of something that I just can't have.
But since when do intruders ever listen?

Needless to say,
you've claimed a spot in my sacred chamber
permanent or not, I've yet to tell
I want to erase that spot
as badly as I want it to stay
So what am I to do?


I was so happy today
I never wanted that time to end
Never have I dreaded so much
the constant ticking of a clock's hands
I wanted time to freeze
but of course, I never get what I want.


I'll forever emblazon in my mind
how you stood looking at me
not knowing that I could see you
how you chose to sit near me
though you had to walk further
how you'd look at me with those pretty eyes
and I'd find myself looking away
unable to bear the intensity of it
how it made me so happy
to know that you've worn it
slept on it
drank from it
hugged it
it made me feel as though I could feel you
although it certainly wasn't the case.


I really don't understand why
I'm so helplessly captivated
I don't think I click with you as well
as I do with some others
I don't make you laugh as much
as I do to some others
You don't make me laugh as much
as other people could make me
Yet being around you feels strangely right
even silence doesn't become a problem anymore.

I don't know what to think
I don't know what to expect
all I know is that I killed all hopes
because I know that only heartache awaits me
at the end of the long, gloomy tunnel
it may even just be a short un-serious thing
but I simply can't deny
how much and how badly I miss you right now.
I feel like I'm melting into a puddle of goo
and I know that I need to rush back to the fridge
before I reach the point of no return
but I can't really decide
whether I'd rather be solid hard ice
or a slick gooey puddle.

Enough rambling for now. I miss you and that's that. Can't wait for the next time I'm gonna see you again. :)

Mock reunion dinner was quite fun ^^ Thanks for the food!

Identity.

This is not a very recent discovery, but I guess it is only recently that it became especially prominent in my life. Yes, I found that I have one major pet peeve : immaturity.

I guess immaturity can be defined and measured in many different ways, but to me, I think it's most apt to measure someone's maturity (or lack thereof) through his willingness to accept the truth. Being generally agreeable and accommodating, it's rare for me to be extremely annoyed or angry at someone, but a recent experience made me realize that of all possible personality/character traits, immaturity is the one thing that I cannot tolerate.

Perhaps it began long ago when I felt especially irritated by how my father fully utilized his authority as the head of the family to impose certain things on me (as well as my siblings) and refused to listen to any arguments from us. Essentially, he stubbornly holds on to his opinions and beliefs and allows no room for other people's opinions; that may not actually hold true for everybody, but I know that it at least applies to me. Being his daughter, who is currently dependent on him for survival, I have no choice but to abide by his rules, even though I can't accept them, simply because I knew that expressing my opinions wouldn't change anything; he is just too stubborn. Don't get me wrong and assume that he's a strict, demanding father with unreasonable rules; he may be unreasonable at certain things, such as disallowing sleepovers and forcing his children to pray against their will, but he is also very accepting and supportive at other things, such as how he willingly supports my hobby of dancing and my choice of university course: fashion design. For that, I am very grateful. However, that doesn't erase the fact that a certain aspect of his personality has greatly irked me since day 1: the refusal to listen.

Initially I simply assumed that I cannot tolerate narrow-mindedness (and indeed, until today, I still can't) but I have come to realize that narrow-mindedness isn't the core of the problem. Rather, it's the immaturity that manifests itself in his unwillingness to accept and consider other people's opinions, such as how religion is a personal choice and shouldn't be imposed on people just because their family believes in a particular religion. Or maybe I'm just irritated because I strongly believe in personal rights and choices.

Either way, a more recent experience led me to realize just how much immaturity can annoy me; this time, it's about a certain acquaintance who is especially talented in observing reality and twisting it around to suit and accommodate her own version of reality...one that is severely delusional. Said acquaintance is also a typical social wannabe who tries her very best to blend in and make more friends by being, literally, a chameleon: someone with no real personality and just adjusts herself to whoever she's trying to befriend. It's amazing, really, that someone can be so devoid of identity and character; that someone's brain can be so empty that it can only follow, never initiate. It's even more amazing that the very same person can be completely unaware of the glaringly obvious "i don't like you" vibes that my body language conveyed with no hesitation whatsoever. Seriously, when someone refuses to look you in the eye, and ignores the things you say, you'd have to be quite the idiot with incredibly low EQ to not notice that this person dislikes you very much, and is not afraid to show it.Sadly, such idiots really do exist in this world.

Upon further reflection, maybe it's not really immaturity or narrow-mindedness that is irritating me to great lengths, but instead a much more selfish cause: that they're different from me, and that they're the exact types of people I'd forever strive not to become. It's selfish because I dislike them for being different from me, but at the same time, it allows me to know myself better and prevents myself from becoming like them. As an avid hater of hypocrisy, I always remind myself of the things I dislike and cannot tolerate and tell myself to never commit those very acts. Still, is it selfish to dislike them for being different from me?

Of course I'm not selfish to the extent that I only like people who are very similar to me; in fact, many of my friends are quite diverse, and I'm naturally drawn to intriguing people. I noticed, however, that I really value and respect honesty and humility; conversely, I greatly despise hypocrites and people who only listen to themselves. It's usually quite easy for me to know whether a person is sincere or not, and I always treasure those that I know to be genuine and honest; they're truly hard to find these days.

My heart has been so confused lately

its wings have brought it round and round in a circle

unable to decide which island to land on.

One island is alluringly attractive

it promises adventure and excitement

yet it is also wrought with uncertainty;

the heart probably can't inhabit it for very long.

Another island is heartwarming

it will surely bring plenty of smiles and laughter

but it might just be plain adoration and nothing more

so the heart will probably keep hovering above it

without ever actually landing.

The last island is very familiar

the closest to a home that the heart can find

it is a haven that promises safety

and the heart can probably inhabit it for a long time

yet there is no excitement

no adventure

and the heart isn't sure

whether it's ready to sacrifice all that.

Which island will the heart eventually land on?

I can't quite explain why I'm so attracted to you

I just know that I keep missing those eyes

and my mind keeps reeling back those moments of closeness

that I will always cherish in my memory

I want to know you better

to unravel the mystery that you are

I want your affection

I want to have you near

yet I know it's probably impossible

it's rare that my wish comes true anyway.

But I miss you

and I wish that you'll get better. :)

Long time no see :P

It's been eons since I've last blogged, but I guess I suddenly felt like it today. Went to a friend's bday bash at Rebel and the music and company were really awesome! Danced like crazy, and it was even better because I made a new friend who enjoys dancing as much as I do :) it was tiring as hell, but also great fun.

These days I've just been dancing, sleeping, eating, movie-ing, and meeting friends I guess...and of course, working on my portfolio. I've been procrastinating on that last bit a little, which I really regret, so I should start on it soon.

My heart seems to be blessed

with a pair of wings

that fly it from one place to the next

moving every time it gets bored.

It's awesome and all

prevents me from wallowing

but it kinda makes me unable to wait

to find that thing

that could chop off those wings

and make my heart want to settle down at last.