An enigma that my brain refuses to let go.

Is it so hard to understand
that I just want to be friends?
Yeah I'm probably pretty damn obvious
I'm not the type who hides my feelings very well
But that doesn't mean I'm out to get you
Nah, I'm not into relationships at the moment.

All I want, really
is just for you to talk to me
like you would a normal friend.
Do I frighten you?
Does the sight of me makes you want to run away?
Would you rather not have me around?
Should I just freaking disappear?

How am I supposed to approach you?
At times, you're as quiet as stone
as cold as ice
as unapproachable as an aloof prince from some distant land
But I've known of times when
you were so easy to talk to
so easy to see eye-to-eye with
so comfortable to have around

What is the reason behind your cold, aloof moments?
What is the reason behind your friendlier, more talkative side?
Do the reasons have anything to do with me?

If I'm friendly towards you
would you think I'm flirting with you
and thus run away?
Or would you be glad for the friendliness
and reciprocate it by being just as friendly?

If I act nonchalant towards you
would you be relieved that maybe I don't have a crush on you anymore
and thus be more at ease around me?
Or would you thus think that I don't like having you around
and be equally nonchalant in return?

See,
I'm not a very bold person
I act based on how I gauge the person's mood and feelings
when you're quiet,
I'm at a loss for words
I just don't know what to say
even though I so very badly want to say something.
When you're quiet,
I'd think that you consider me a very boring company
and it pressurizes me to find something to say
anything
just to hopefully alleviate the boredom.
When you're talkative
it pleases me tremendously
and I become just as talkative.
I love it when you're talkative
because as stupid as it sounds
talking to you makes me happy.

Are you like me?
Or are you friendlier to me the colder I am to you?
Please enlighten me
because I feel really lost
I don't know how am I supposed to approach you
Will I frighten you by being friendly?
Will I sicken you with my presence if I'm around too much?
Will I just distance myself from you by being nonchalant?
Tell me, please
I'm so scared of losing you
I don't know why
you shouldn't even be of any importance to me
we're hardly close
you're not like some VIP that I'd make sure to keep in touch with
for future use
you're not even close to being a guy I'd consider 'ideal' for me
you smoke
you're shy
you're hardly passionate
you're a sports fan and I watch hardly any sports
I don't know
when I think of all these things
I always wonder why I'm so hung up over you
why thoughts of you can make me cry
you hardly deserve those tears
you, who doesn't give a damn.
Or at least, I think you don't give a damn.
I should keep thinking that way
because maybe, just maybe
it'll be easier to forget that way.

Though I say all these,
my mind likes to flit back to that night
when I felt so at ease around you
and you seemed to be more comfortable around me too.
Maybe that was just a once-off thing
which didn't mean anything.
But why does my heart refuse to believe
that it didn't mean anything?
After today,
I should be further convinced that it didn't mean anything.
Maybe it really meant nothing after all.

I feel so crappy I can die and be glad.