BOREDOM KILLS.

At home again after many many months of being overseas. And yet overseas feels more like home than home does now. Quite glad that my sojourn here is only going to last for 10 days.

Lately I seem to have been infected by the BORED virus, which renders its victims uninterested in literally everything, thus life suddenly feels purposeless and aimless. When one has known a life as hectic as what I had throughout this year (until now), a life this purposeless feels strange and unfamiliar, even unwelcome. It is terrible enough to not have anything major to look forward to (like maybe a dance performance or an event), but it is infinitely worse to perpetually have to rack your brain to find something that you want to do, and fail every single time. As if nothing is desirable to me now, and nothing could make me jump off my seat and make me say "yes, that's what I want to do!". Thus, I've been bored. REALLY bored. And it's beginning to kill me.

The irony is that I'm not even supposed to be bored. There are plenty, and I mean PLENTY that I could be doing: like looking for a job, or starting to draw stuff to add to my portfolio, or dancing to improve my none-too-wonderful techniques, or even watching a new anime series, if I'm up for entertainment rather than self-enrichment. Yet there is NOTHING that I FEEL like doing. Not even starting a new addiction, like Gossip Girls or maybe Bleach, which I haven't continued watching since god-knows-when. Not even dancing, and that's major. Recently, I've not known a single time when I don't feel like dancing. The virus must be highly potent after all.

I'm not sure what's the cause behind this calamitic virus that has overtaken me, but all I know is that I wanna recover bloody soon. Yet one aspect of my life seems untouched by the virus, either because the virus isn't potent enough, or because the creator of the virus simply failed to consider this part of human physiology. I know this, because despite everything, he still retains his throne at the forefront of my mind, and so long as he holds rule in the kingdom of my thoughts, he continues to be the one thing I desire to talk to, to be with, to dream of, everything. Shouldn't I be happy, then, that I still have something that I desire? Maybe I would be happier if it is a little easier to obtain that which I most desire.

The word love

is not a word that I use lightly

for the intensity and depth

that it entails

mean that for one to deserve my love

he needs to be especially special.

Uncertainty and hesitation

inevitably overcome me

time and time again

when I want to ascertain

whether what I feel is truly love.

But need I be so afraid

of mistaking it

when every fibre of my being

screams out for you

and when losing you

seems scarier than boredom?

Alas, words are no longer sufficient.

If only words can express
the extent to which I've been missing you
and the extent to which
you've dominated my mind and thoughts
without even trying.
If only words can express
the delirious euphoria I feel
every time my phone beeps
and your name is displayed on the screen.
If only words can express
the happiness I feel
every second I am allowed
to spend with you.
If only words can express
the extent to which I have to restrain
from reaching out and touching you
whenever you're near
for the temptation is everpresent
and the desire is threatening to burst
my heart open
and yet the fear of losing you
is too great for me to succumb
to my desires.
If only words can express
the extent of my fear
of that time when we'd have to part
for a life without you
seems bleak and hellish.
It seems I've fallen too deep
and I can no longer live
without my personal brand of heroine.
Every second that I'm with you
nothing else seems to matter
and I always wish that time could stop
and every second that I'm not with you
I wish that you're here with me.
You're on my mind
every waking second of my life
and for that I am saying the truth
quand je te dis que
tu me manques toujours.


Wanting to hear your voice again.

Time watches as the chains grow tighter.

It's been quite a while since I last posted! Hmmm and plenty has happened. The Imperial Beast has officially been conquered, with the last obstacle being largely unexceptional. My days have been filled with dance and more dance, until finally prom came to fruition on 24.11.2009 and we performed the dance that took roughly 5 days to prepare. I guess the performance was alright but messy. Not exactly unexpected since we barely ever practiced with full-length mirrors. It was fun nonetheless!

Preparations for prom after the dance took so long that we only went down when prom was 10-15 minutes away from ending. Heard food was horrid though, so I didn't feel too bad about missing all the food even though that's essentially what I paid $110 for. HAHA. Camwhoring sessions after that were nothing short of fun, although because I don't have a camera I had to jew off everybody else's cameras -.- . Went after-party shortly after thanks to the powerful powers of persuasion of a certain burmese girl. It was relatively un-crowded but towards the end I had some fun dancing with a bunch of crazy high people :). My heels were killing me though; they were comfortable but I guess the height inevitably made it difficult to balance, especially when I was doing my typical high-energy dancing, made possible by the availability of space. MY PHONE DIED T_T

The next day I watched Jennifer's Body, which was, in short, dumb and pointless. Quite scary yes. Gory yes. But it lacks substance, and it kinda seems like a movie that is simply intended to flaunt Megan Fox's supposed hotness. But ahwellll. Later at night I watched My Girlfriend is an Agent, which was definitely better than Jennifer's Body. It was very humorous and the lead male character was plain dumb and hopeless, though he sorta saved the day in the end. The casting crew did well in choosing him to play the role; his face made it easy for him to play the role of a laughable loser. Okay that was a mean comment, but at least he made the movie funny. Haha!

191109024243
marks one of the most intense moments
of my life.
All I wanted then
was to dig a hole and bury myself
so no one would ever find me.
The embarrassment was so strong
that nothing in this world
could ever erase this moment
from my bank of memories.
Boldness I was blessed with
and I'm quite grateful that I chose to be honest
with you and with myself
because if I hadn't let it out then
and decided to keep it bottled in me
I think I would've died
of suffocation
and involuntary muteness.

The chains around my heart
grow stronger and tighter by the day
I don't know how much more I can take
before I go insane.
I'm acting all weird
my heart is free
but it believes it isn't
and my body's rejecting things
it never used to mind
and I don't know why.

What's wrong with me, really.

Watched 2012 the day MATH officially became history. Extremely epic the movie was; visual effects were mind-bogglingly awesome and the suspenseful actions kept me at the edge of my seat for most of the movie. However, there were admittedly some cliche elements in the movie; like how a conveniently died for the happiness of the protagonist, how those who died were the corrupt ones, how goodness and kindness triumphed in the end, and how every agony and suspense are prolonged as much as possible until the very last possible moment. It's essentially a very made-to-be-popular kind of movie, but it does make me think quite a bit about certain things....is it really true that everything that happens in this world occurs by chance? Is it really better to save a small pool of 'superior genes' and forsake the 'undesirables'? If everything depends on chance, then should we just leave everything to fate?

Buuuut then again, the visuals were amazing. I seriously don't get how people do it. It seems so impossible. -.-

Thursday's girls hiphop dance was insaaaaaaaanely fast but veerrrrry nice! Haha. It was challenging and fun, and it gave me plenty of things to work and practise on. Gimmie Gimmie Gimmie :):)

I don't know what's happening to me

I have been strong

and I want to continue to be strong

because I know I can

but I find myself checking my phone

every so often

and feeling disappointed

when it doesn't come.

When it does, though

it never fails to make me smile

such is the power that it has

and such is how weak I am.

I feel so vulnerable

I should be strong

I should be selfless

but somehow, against my will

I can feel wetness on my eyes.

I don't want to be like this

I want to stop

but I don't want to stop.

I'm holding on to something

that may never bear the fruits I want

but I'm too scared to let go.

I don't even understand why

I became this way

we are so similar

and yet so different.

Am I investing on something worthwhile?

or am I just being the usual me

helplessly heart-controlled?

I miss you so bad it's not funny.

I want you here now

I always do.

But I know it'll never happen.

And I'm just killing myself

slowly but surely.

Brimming with love and happiness :)

Today had been amazingly wonderful :) danced like crazy but loved every second of it. I quite like the choreo I learnt today, but it far from beats Kiss Me Thru the Phone =D one of my all-time favorites for sure. Dance was fun as usual, tiring here and there due to the crazy crunches (I think I did like, 48 x 5 = 240 crunches today, plus plank!! HOLY CRAP!!) and after dance some of us lingered for a bit before heading across for dinner. I laughed so much my jaw hurt like crazy, but I loved it HAHA. Everyone was just so awesomely retarded. But that's why I love them so much :)

Glad that I cleared some unnecessary misunderstanding today. I realize that I can really be very blunt most of the time. Not good for the soft-hearted =D

Waiting to spend more time with you

'cause I know it'll bring a smile to my face

whenever, wherever.

I want you to kiss me through the phone.

Among the many fruits on the shelf

my eyes were fixated on one

whose skin shines and sparkles

enticing, seducing, intoxicating.

But as I peel it off layer by layer

the less enchanting it becomes

and before I even reached the core

the taste became too sour

for me to continue eating.

Thus to the trash can it goes

and back to the market I go.

Today was a pretty awesome day! Learnt a fantastic choreo to the song Kiss Me Thru the Phone by Soulja Boy. It's an old choreo but nonetheless FANTASTIC! Hehehe. Practically walked from Paragon to Tanglin Mall repeating that song over and over while dancing in my head. The arguably long distance felt like nothing thanks to it! Hehe. One of those choreos that will always have a special place in my heart :)

By contrast, yesterday wasn't as gleeful...because certain people were exhibiting racist behavior, which I seriously cannot stand. I find that it's highly narrow-minded to believe that the value of a person lies, first and foremost, in his origin. #%#@%#$??! My intense reaction to such behavior led to some misunderstandings and misinterpretations, but all that is past now. Sigh. At least now I have confirmed the place I'll be staying at from December onwards. So happy! :)

Truly now,

I have found something

that I know I will treasure

for sunshine it brings

to my head and heart.

Anything I will do

to keep it close and dear

this gem that I've found

even when it means

keeping something else

tightly under wraps

invisible and unfindable.

Loving the cold rainy night. :)

Almost a week has passed since my last post, and all I can say is that this week has been an amazingly eventful week. In both good and bad, I guess, haha. Shared much laughter with my peers -- victims stuck on the island -- as we work together to overcome the many obstacles preventing us from leaving this dreadful island. Some of us have already happily left, and the rest of us continue to fight our way through, refusing to bow down to the Imperial Beast.

As it has always been when it comes to literature, one can never be too sure whether he will score well or not. After all, a touch of subjectivity always plays a part in affecting the overall grade given. Overall, both commentaries were not bad, though in both cases, conclusions were not written due to lack of time.

Yesterday, however, was one of the worst days of my life. Having been accustommeed to a relatively illness-free life, the sudden pain that engulfed me almost the whole of yesterday was insanely unbearable. No, that's an understatement. It was so terribly awful that I sincerely felt like asking someone to kill me right there and then. It is difficult to describe in words, but it was as if a cruel monster was twisting my stomach around, causing random spurts of intense stomach pains that rendered me faint and limp. I could barely stand. My limbs felt useless and lifeless, and I was sweating despite the fact that I felt cold. I even looked paler than usual, which is noteworthy knowing how pale I already am naturally. Eventually, I had diarrhea, and the doctor concluded that I had food poisoning -- though I'm rather clueless as to which food caused this abominable pain -- but I felt much better after relieving myself (in the form of diarrhea, no less) and after taking several medications. That is also noteworthy, as it was the FIRST time in my four-year stay in Singapore that I actually took medication for an illness. Normally I would just rely on my body's natural healing capabilities to do the trick, but this time the pain was bad enough to motivate me to take the medicines. By now, I hope I have successfully convinced you that the pain was unimaginably terrible and beyond anything else I've ever felt before. I am now surer than ever about not wanting to give birth, EVER. If this much pain made me want to die, I would not want to imagine how childbirth would be like.

Yet, being the dance addict that I am, I still went for class despite still recovering from the detestable illness called food poisoning. Girl's hiphop =D as expected, I was lacking in energy because of all the diarrhea I had that day, and to add to that, I didn't eat dinner, afraid that the food may trigger further diarrheas. Hence, I felt unusually weak and I caught the choreo much more slowly than usual. My ears were also buzzing endlessly throughout the class, which eventually gave me a pretty bad headache. After the class ended, nausea took over and my poor stomach was forced to vomit its contents out -- much better than if the nausea had been unrelievable. I vomited a second time during a taxi ride, which might have been partially attributed to the dance class I had, though perhaps the main reason was the incompetent driver's jerky, unskilled driving, because my dad felt slightly nauseous too.

Viewed three rooms yesterday with my dad and aunt. First room was dark and small, thus an obvious no-no. Second and third rooms were much better, but my dad and aunt preferred the second one although I liked the third one better. The third unit seemed cozier, although the common area was smaller. Loved the fact that there is a big mirror inside the unit -- wonderful for dancing! Hehe. The second room is not bad either, because the room itself is quite cozy although the common area isn't as nice. There is no mirror :( though it is admittedly spacious enough for me to dance now and then :).

Today (friday) had been much, much better than thursday. Learnt a wonderful choreo to the song 'Not Your Enemy'. I love the choreography tremendously, just as much as I like the song, because it gives so much opportunity to emote. Some parts of the choreo were admittedly a little challenging (my turns suck like shit! hahah!) but I still love it nonetheless. After the long 5-hour class, I had a very noisy, laughterful dinner with wonderful dance friends and the instructor himself =D we laughed and joked so much and so loudly that we got scolded :(. But it was all in good fun. Loved the company tremendously :)

Despite having gone through almost 5 hours of nonstop dancing in school, I still went for more classes afterwards. Never regretted the decision though -- I LOVE BOTH CHOREOS =D I was surprisingly and unexpectedly alert, thus I caught the steps quite easily and quite quickly, although the first choreo was a little fast and challenging at some parts. Love the quirkiness of the song and the multitude of intricate beats (and of course, how the choreographer has smartly used those intricate beats -.- ). The second choreo was very enjoyable too because the song is SOOO NICE =D and again, my alertness allowed me to catch the steps relatively quickly, and some of the steps were pretty natural for me, making it even nicer to dance :) 'Three' by Britney Spears. Heheh =P

Just now I viewed a music video by TaeYang for the song 'Wedding Dress' and I checked the translation for the lyrics. It's so touching and it describes so perfectly the way I'm feeling right now. Almost enough to make me cry =S hahaha. But I'm over the 'melodramatic' stage by now. Glad I am. :)

Ohwell, tomorrow I need to wake up early for more viewings and to study. Sigh.

The potent, addictive drug

that used to occupy my mind

in wakefulness and in sleep

seems to have transformed

into an adorable baby.

No longer does it have

that strangling hold

which leaves me helpless

and breathless.

No longer does it keep

me enslaved and chained

like a servant who does

anything it wishes.

It has bloomed into something

healthier, something sweeter

something I want to take care of

and make happy and healthy.

Really, it just needs to smile

and life is suddenly worth living.

And the caterpillar has grown into a butterfly...

It seems like yesterday

when that caterpillar

sneakily found its way

to this hidden corner.

Life it has since given

to this much forgotten

place where euphoria and

pain go hand-in-hand.

Euphoric it was

when he first came.

Eager the corner was

to welcome the new game.

Yet the walls soon crack

as the caterpillar become

a cocoon that takes back

all the life given and some.

Painful it was

when the cocoon reigned.

Suffering the corner was

but endurance it feigned

because whenever it remembered

the joy the caterpillar radiated

like a contagious disease

the pain seemed to cease

at least for a while.

But only for a while.

After what seemed like eternity,

the corner watches as

a beautiful, winged entity

emerges from the cocoon

just when the limits of sanity

seem alarmingly close.

Though exceedingly pretty

the corner never saw much of her;

pleased by the newfound liberty,

she soon disappears into the horizon

without ever looking back.

And it is back to dull, dreary days

for the corner once again.

Mmmm, it took pretty long to write that poem -.- but I love it. It describes so well something that has happened over and over again in my life. Really, love is forever playing hide-and-seek with me in my life; when I look for it, it's always hiding, yet when I stop looking, it comes looking for me. I don't know whether this is true for everyone, but it has been proven time and time again in this pathetic life of mine. I guess nobody's perfect, hm? =(

Friday was an awesome day, because half my IB papers were overr! So naturally I celebrated with a bout of self-indulgence in the form of dancing. For 3.5 hours non-stop no less. Contemporary Jazz plus Lyrical Hiphop plus Jazz Funk. I loved all three classes though. Contemporary Jazz was inspiring, and the other two classes were very fun and enjoyable because I loved the choreographies, even though they were very different. I loved how the Lyrical Hiphop choreo was so emotional, just like the song -- and the song was so beautiful too! Jazz Funk was just sexy and fun. :) Although the choreography was very fast, the style somehow suits me pretty well, even though the song isn't something I normally listen to.

Yet, despite Friday's awesomeness, on Saturday morning, I woke up finding myself in a long tunnel with glass walls on each side and a blurred image of a person at the other end of the tunnel. As I passed through the tunnel, I can see so many familiar faces behind the glass walls. I called out to them, yet they couldn't hear me because of the glass walls. The glass walls seemed nonexistent then, and I felt the terrible feeling of loneliness and being unwanted, and suddenly, life doesn't seem to be worth living anymore. Funnily enough, Neopets (like, OMG!) made me feel a lot better, and the blurred vision at the end of the tunnel gradually looked more and more like me, until it became crystal clear, and I found myself again.

I'm especially thankful towards a certain friend who has never failed to treat me with kindness no matter how harsh I've been. It has always struck me that I never deserved any of this kindness, and yet it is given in such great abundance. Thank you, really. For the cab and the awesome food. :)

After the pretty much unproductive Saturday (although, remembering how terrible my mood was, trying to study wouldn't have worked well either), I spent the entire Sunday studying. After all, I'm still on the island. Escape is coming ever closer though. Can't wait! :) Studied with a friend who never fails to engage me in 'silly but intellectual discussions' and make me laugh. Am especially tickled by the phrase "getting killed often". HAHA.

Well, the dollar-sign monsters that assaulted me just this morning were pretty alright, though slightly tougher to handle than usual. I think the lack of sleep has reduced the alertness of my mind -.- gotta get ready to face alphabet-monsters soon.

It amazes me

how fast this addiction was cured.

All it took was a snap

and it was gone.

And now from a drug

you have become almost a nonentity

that leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Spitefulness is not in my nature

so apathy you shall receive.

I shall keep the green monster under check

because even under apathy's reign

it can still escape

and wreck my heart with unnecessary pain.

I got my fix, at last.

Well well, the numerical monsters that I had to tackle today are about as sneaky as those that I had to deal with the previous day. However, I was mighty pleased with the dollar-sign monsters that came out shortly after, because they're not as mutated as the numerical monsters, hence exterminating them was not as difficult. I'm just hoping that the next batch of dollar-sign monsters will be as manageable.

Since I've been such a good girl in finishing all the crazy tasks passed to me by the Imperial Beast, he granted me a short break from the island and allowed me to go to the mainland for about 4 hours. I finally got to dance after not having done so since last Friday, and I had 3.5 hours' worth of it! I know I'd probably suffer physically when I wake up tomorrow, but I know I needed the dancing. And the choreos I learnt today were far from disappointing -- I'm loving every second of it! :) I need to neaten my steps though, maybe I should tie my hair O.o oh, the horror. Not that I hate tying my hair, it's just that the hairband always comes off when I dance, so it becomes more of a hindrance. Plus, I can't do the hair flicks that I like so much :( but I guess in choreos that require plenty of head movements, it makes things look rather messy -.- need to practice the skill of keeping my hair off my face HAHA.

I feel so motivated to dance now, after having witnessed so many great dancers perform today during the classes. I have faith in myself that I can do it. I just need to put in the effort :)

But ahwell, I'm back on the island now. I need to sharpen my spears and prepare my armor for the dollar-sign monsters that are going to assault me this coming Monday.

An upbeat, happy tune started playing

and my body was forced to emerge

from the ocean that it was immersed in.

Slowly, my eyes registered

that it was early in the morning

and that I should prepare myself

for the calamity that is about to strike.

Yet my mind reeled with

the still-fresh images

of brilliantly colored fishes

of magnificent glimmering shells

of vibrant, plentiful sea plants

that my eyes just saw

deep under the water surface.

Why, oh why

wouldn't these fishes, shells, and plants

ever jump out of the sea

and become part of the sky?

It struck me today

that drug is not appropriate

to describe the way

you and my life relate.

You occupy my mind

in wakefulness and in sleep

you may think that I am blind

but my addiction was really that deep.

Yet I know
that should you disappear today

I will survive.

Because although I want you

I don't need you.

Because I don't need people

who don't need me.

Cartel was nice and super filling today. :)

Let that chord strike once more.

Yesterday was one of the funnest, happiest days I've had in a while :) my fellow victims are as gay and happy as ever, even as they were preparing as hard as they could to please the Boss. Throughout the day yesterday, I spent most of my time laughing -- and being laughed at. Some people somehow find me extremely amusing, to my extreme bafflement and incomprehension. All I have to do is open my mouth and laughters follow suit like a domino effect.

Today seemed tenser and more stressful because many people are terribly scared of the monsters that awaited us today afternoon, monsters that will supposedly pop out of the Mathematical Jungle in the form of pi, theta, sigma, and all other symbols known to man. We're all supposed to be pretty well-equipped to handle each and every type of monster that pops out at us; after all, these two years have been spent learning about their weak points and how to best defeat them. Yet the monsters this year are particularly potent -- seems that, like bacteria, they have developed some sort of resistance against our conventional methods. Is that it, or are we ill-prepared? Let's hope it's the former.

I listen to music so much these days that I think deafness is approaching at an alarmingly accelerated rate. Yet no matter what, I can't stop. Though all the songs I listen to are sad, melancholic songs, they give me a sense of inner peace, contentment, and happiness that no happy song could ever achieve. Sadness truly is beautiful.

<3 piano, violin, and cello.

It seemed almost like fate

that day when I walked aimlessly

treading roads, passing gates

and caught a faint, delicate tune

a tune that struck a chord

in my famished heart

and has never left since then.

As my heart burst with glee

for finding this godlike tune

it begins to emanate

with the essence of this song

wanting to let everyone know

how wonderful it is.

I saw your heart stir

much like how mine have been

and my heart is now fuller

knowing that both our hearts have been

helplessly struck by the same mellow chord.

Somebody once said,

"you know that feeling 

like you wanna screw him but you just can't?"

One moment of silence passed

and spontaneously,

without ever discussing nor coming to an agreement,

three voices slurred in unison,

"Nooooo?"

and all hell broke loose.

Even the devil

would have shaken with laughter

at that one epic moment.

:)

Begone you shall, metals and ions and whatnots.

My nearly-done concoction isn't looking too bad, much to my relief. At least this way the Imperial Beast will not fall ill and puke and thus dispatch his entrusted battalion of Angers and Disappointments against me. In fact, he seemed pretty pleased when a sample of my concoction landed itself on his hungry, greedy lips. I guess studying the massive Book of Ingredients was helpful after all.

By tomorrow morning (or more like later), my concoction will be finished and I can finally bid farewell to that Book of Ingredients that I'm so not going to miss. The Imperial Beast seems quite keen on testing me further so he decided to employ me as his personal secretary -- which means I'm going to take care of his appointments, memorize the phone numbers of all those VIPs so I can call them as and when he wants me to, prepare any statistical data that he might need, and calculate his daily calorie intake to make sure that he is not severely overweight. As if the Book of Ingredients wasn't enough, I'm going to have to deal with the Book of Numbers soon enough, and the Book of Numbers is at least twice as challenging and as thick as the Book of Ingredients. Yuck much.

My fellow victims-of-the-Imperial-Beast seem generally pleased with their nearly-done concoctions today, and are working hard to finish them by tomorrow morning. They're such jolly, crazy people, these fellows of mine. I'm going to miss them terribly if and when I get to escape from this island of overtime work and excessive studying, after I emerge victorious in my battle against the Imperial Beast. Yup, the Imperial Beast is nothing that I can't handle, isn't he?

I wanna keep drowning

in this bottomless sea

where schools of fish flash by me

in a brilliant spray of colors

and the sun's blinding rays

form brilliant crystals that move and sway

as if painted on the very threads

that coalesce into this expanse of seawater.

Beautiful, colorful, pleasant

just like how I imagine life to be like.

Yet my lungs never fail

to remind me to resurface

to know my place

for the sea is not where I belong

as alluring and addictive as it may be

I would immerse myself forever

if only I possess a fish's gills.

Thus it's time to take that breath

to satiate these deprived lungs

and face the bleak grey sky once again.

And the monster has arrived.

Your life seems to fly over an endless expanse of green, flowery meadows, and suddenly, without realizing, it crashlanded in an uncharted island stuck in the middle of the impossibly vast ocean. Everywhere you look, there's just water and more water. However, you soon realize that you're not alone in this deserted island; each crashlanded survivor seems to be actively trying to find their way back to the beautiful mainland.

Because the monster that is IB has made his presence known to all these unlucky individuals. It has descended upon us from the uncharted heavens (though hell seems more like it) to block every possible exit from the island to the mainland until the stipulated time. Until then, all these island adventurers will simply have to find the means to survive.

My first test for survival is coming in about 12 hours' time. I'd like to say that I'm excited to see the black moldy cauldron and to try to blend a magical concoction in it, but somehow the idea does not sound very appealing, especially when the ingredients available for me are anything but appetizing. Ahwell, if my concoction can satisfy the beastly belly of the IB monster, perhaps the IB monster will like me and I'd be allowed to escape to the mainland every now and then. Yeah, that I shall do. After all, I've been spending this entire day reading and memorizing all the possible ways that the concoction can go wrong.

One earful of a slothful day.

If I were to sum up today (or yesterday) in one word, it would be slothful. What with my body glued to the comfortable surface of my bed throughout the entire day save during mealtimes and toilet times. With the gruesome monster that is IB greeting me at my doorsteps in less than 48 hours, the responsible me has obviously begun to touch the lustful, hungry, neglected chemistry notes that have been soundlessly screaming for my attention since weeks ago. Ah well, I'm gonna need to satiate it so that when IB monster comes in to check my room, it will satisfactorily nod at the happy state of my unneglected, sated chemistry notes, as well as the chemmified state of my brains. Sigh. And after that I also have mathematics and economics to attend to. What a drag.

However, being the pleasure-seeking person that I am, I've also found plenty of things to entertain myself with so that chemistry darling doesn't bore me to the core. I found so many beautiful songs online, all of which are sad -- after all, when it concerns music, my definition of BEAUTIFUL is not complete without SAD being there. Sad music makes me happy, in a twisted, subversive way. I find sad songs beautiful and touching, and I can never get enough of them. What a way to slowly but surely degenerate myself into eternal deafness. The songs are worth it though, haha. Japanese creations never fail to mesmerize me and my wanton ears.

Other than that, I've also been feasting my eyes upon possible future humble abodes of mine as I art and dance my way through pre-university preparations. It sucks that photos are few and far in between, and prices never seem friendly after 4 years of free accommodation. All the same, I'm undescribably excited and exhilarated at the prospect of finally living by myself without annoying staff members acting all worried when I know that they're just trying to do what they're paid for, and especially, without that irritating, abominable monster named C-U-R-F-E-W. It really sucks to have a curfew when you're already legal, don't you think?

Anything, I'd do anything

to get that fix again

and reexperience that surge of high.

Even if I need to

travel to the ends of the world

just to find that precious diamond

you so desire.
Even if I need to

surf through the vast oceans

and record all the beautiful melodies

that the sea's mighty fingers

have masterfully created.

Anything, anything at all

because when happiness is born in you

the reaction is always tenfold

on my part.

And for that surge of high

anything goes.
So when I got my fix today
after having waited
for what seemed like forever
words could not describe my elation
even when it only lasted
a little more than an hour.
Odd, is it not?
To be so dominated
by a powerful force
that does not even realize
the extent of its powers?

Floating between reality and imagination.

Yesterday was an awesome dayy. Studying was alright, dance was mega fun -- jazz funk was especially MAD! Hahaha it's amazing I didn't get a headache from all that headbangs. But I looove the choreo hahaha. Watched Halloween II afterwards. It was full of shit. Hahaha. It's like some M18 gorefest with disgusting sound effects and countless vulgarities. A highly recommended watch if you feel like staying away from meat for prolonged periods of time for diet purposes, or if you simply want to experience the rare, unorthodox opportunity to laugh during a horror movie. I believe it's more of a gore movie than a horror movie though, haha. It's highly recommended to not watch this if you're seeking a quality movie to pass your precious free time.

Company was wonderful :) had tons of laughters and shared plenty of jokes not to be discussed here, haha. As the day was generally quite rainy throughout, the post-movie early-morning air was very refreshing and cooling, and the occasionally powerful winds kept me comfortable and cool. I never knew that the morning air could be so wonderful. Clearly I don't wake up early very much, haha!

Met a good friend who accompanied me from dawn til noon. Sorry for falling asleep here and there!! Couldn't help it, my eyes felt like they weighed a ton, not surprising after having not been allowed to drop for almost 24 hours. I guess I'm just a weakling who cannot survive without sleep. SIGH. -.-

I'm currently in love with the saddest, most beautiful song I've ever heard in my life. So beautiful it is that it has inspired me to write a poem, a first in my life. =D hahaha.

In this hauntingly beautiful melody,

I eagerly drown myself in the bottomless ocean

ignoring the fishes' pleas to remedy

this burgeoning addiction.

These thought bubbles of my fixation
keep fluctuating between submerging from and drowning

in this sea of imagination.

Am I seeing or am I dreaming?

With each new day

ever since your fateful foray

a new teardrop is born to see

her fellow droplets in the sea

drowning my beloved bubbles deeper and deeper.

Will they ever submerge again, I wonder?

Could they ever fly

and become a permanent cloud in the sky?

As I indulge myself in contemplation,
my own body seems to swim deeper and deeper

into the dark oblivion

addicted to the feeling of being embraced by the water

Will I return to the ground in time?

Before the sea imprisons my being
and makes it impossible to climb

back to the world of the seeing.

Ahwell, there goes the first poem I've ever written in my life. :) Quite happy with the way it turns out, especially because it describes my current sentiments very well as well as my whole life in general, which has been unnaturally replete with unrequited love, as cliche as it sounds. I've either been very unlucky or I'm just unnaturally idealistic =S but yeah, I'm highly prone to all these fixations. Good and bad I suppose, haha!

Today was an incredibly rainy day, with plenty of thunders too O.o it's such a coincidence that today is HALLOWEEN >.< it was so dark and foggy that I couldn't see anything in the near distance, obscured by the dull fog. Lightnings permeate through the fog almost every minute, to be followed by their noisier counterparts shortly after, each one seemingly louder than its predecessor. But as I am writing now, the rain has calmed down considerably :)

I was supposed to attend Danz People's launch party but the rain and the fact that IB is only TWO DAYS AWAY made me reconsider. Even as I am sitting (or more like lying down) at home now, I kind of wonder what would it have been like if I had gone. They must be having fun camwhoring and all :( ahwell, facebook shall enlighten me on that soon enough. That reminds me of the photos taken during the Artist Party two days ago -- I LOOK SO WHITE ITS SCARY -.- I guess it goes with my typical black-and-red color scheme but STILL! Sometimes I wish I were tanner, though I have a feeling that it doesn't really suit me. And being tan would mean that I can't look as goth =S

Okay, I better start reading my chemistry notes, which seem to have begun collecting dust. -.- Aaaand the rain seems to have stopped.

I miss you. I know I shouldn't,

and it doesn't really make sense

but I do.

I want to see you so bad

but I dare not let you know.

'Cause I have a feeling

that it'll just drive you away from me.

Why must you be so cold?

What have I done wrong?

But then again

I have no right to ask these questions

when I was myself

the perpetrator of the exact same crimes

just not to you, I guess.

Dancedancedance.

Had artist party today :) food was pretty cool but the company was awesome hahaha. AB EXERCISE MUCH! Camwhore also hahaa. Mm overall it was really fun =) studying-wise, today was quite productive too. HEHE. Overall it's a good day. Loved the top I wore today. :) All-time fave!

Dance or fashion? I love both, but between the two, dance is the one that I can't live without. I've fallen too deeply in love, drowned in too deep, no longer able to get out. This goes for quite a lot of things in my life...I fall in love too easily, and yet it's so difficult for me to get out of them. How unfair is that? Passion drives my life, always has been and always will be. With no passion I'm just a lifeless fool.

I've been listening to so much music I think I'll go deaf soon. And IB is coming in like, 5 days.

Part of your world.

ANOTHER DAY OF MUGGING O.o but at least I danced quite a bit today. Can't seem to live without dance now, it's as important as breathing to me. My pirouettes seem to be getting better! Yay :)) Finished teaching prom choreo today -- hope it'll look much neater by prom hahaa, but so far so good =P Perspired so much it was like I just showered in sweat. Okay yuck, that sounds gross. Imagine a sweat-spitting showerhead -.-

ANYWAYS I had my first jazz funk class today! Haha mm still not used to the style but I like it :)) will probably be taking more classes of that genre. It's quite 'me'ish anyway. But I think I was quite tired today...a bit slower than usual in catching steps.
I can't wait til IB is over so I can be hardcore dancing. OOOOOH THE DREAM LIFE.

Need to finish a lit commentary early tomorrow morning OHNOO at least the passage is humorous and interesting! =)
I miss texting. =(

Look at this stuff
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl

The girl who has everything?
Look at this trove
Treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Looking around here you think
Sure, she's got everything
I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty
I've got whozits and whatzits galore
You want thingamabobs?
I've got twenty!
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more

I wanna be where the people are
I wanna see, wanna see them dancin'
Walking around on those - what do you call 'em?
Oh - feet!

Flippin' your fins, you don't get too far
Legs are required for jumping, dancing
Strolling along down a - what's that word again?
Street

Up where they walk, up where they run
Up where they stay all day in the sun
Wanderin' free - wish I could be
Part of that world

What would I give if I could live out of these waters?
What would I pay to spend a day warm on the sand?
Bet'cha on land they understand
That they don't reprimand their daughters
Proper women sick of swimmin'
Ready to stand

And ready to know what the people know
Ask 'em my questions and get some answers
What's a fire and why does it - what's the word?
Burn?

When's it my turn?
Wouldn't I love, love to explore that world up above?
Out of the sea
Wish I could be
Part of that world

- PART OF YOUR WORLD from the LITTLE MERMAID -

I may not be a mermaid

wishing to tread the earth on my two feet

but this song aptly describes my sentiments

at least for today

because it just hit me

that we just don't belong in the same world.

And for that, impossibility remains.

But I'm never letting go of these lovely pink ribbons

that hold my heart intact with memories of you.

Everytime I see them I think of you

and my heart is instantly filled with warmth.

Call it addiction, call it obsession, even madness

but my heart is not ready to depart

from the sanctuary that it just found.

Even when it may be more like a prison than a sanctuary.

My heart doesn't seem to realize it, though

So enslavement ensues.

The saddest part is that

it doesn't mind being enslaved.

-.-

I need a rehab.

ANOTHER DAY OF PRODUCTIVE STUDYING :):) hahaha printed 12 dollars' worth of chemistry notes just now its CRAZYY. Ahwell, with exams starting just next week, I guess I should be scared O.o mmm studying in school is really productive.

AND WOW WE FINISHED CHOREOING :D we took one hour less than we thought we would hhahaha WE ARE PRO =D mmm so after tomorroww no more dance until after IB.

I MISS DANS FEST ALREADY T_T
dance is fast becoming an addiction for me hahaha. Having always been an artsy person, I guess I FEEL a lot...and dancing allows me to FEEL more than any other art form that I've tried. And it's seriously getting addictive HAHA. Right now I just wanna keep listening to all my most most favoritest songs and think of dance steps in my head =D

INSOMNIA is <3<3<3

Brain says,

I'm deeply sorry

but it seems difficult for me to envision

what you'd like me to.

I know I'm good in what I do.

After all, I've been supplying you with artistic inspirations all my life

so I know that it just doesn't work.

I don't like it.

Rationality says,

I know how you're feeling right now

but you don't seem to realize

that a thin veil is obscuring your sight

from seeing the truth.

Can you be comfortable?

Can you be yourself?

Are you just forcing things out?

There's no point in living a life

where you can't be you.

There's no point seeking what you think is happiness

when you know that suffering lurks right beneath that pleasant facade.

Confronted by the combined forces of Brain and Rationality, Heart can only say,

Yes, this is crazy

it's completely new

but then again, it's never not new.

I don't know why I'm like this either

I know it's not good

but I can't stop.

You know I'm very restless

I never stay in one place for long.

But this time I seem to have found a place

whose sticky, powerful snares

chain me to the ground

unforgiving and relentless

not allowing me to fly away like I normally do.

I know I need to fly away.

These snares are draining me dry

killing me slowly.

But as much as it pains me to stay here

it makes me just as happy.

So twisted, eh?

For someone who is blessed with all three

I am both grateful and regretful

that Heart wins my heart without fail

almost each and every single time.

Without Heart, I am lost

Without Heart, I am dead

Without Heart, I am not me.

Every single step I take

is taken with my Heart's approval.

Now Heart seems to want me to go left

but Brain and Rationality want me to go right.

Heart acknowledges that right is probably the right way

but it wants to go left nonetheless.

So what am I to do?

More than anything now,

I wish that I can read minds.

Everything will be so much easier that way.

More than anything now,

I need a rehab.

Heart is keeping me addicted to my drug

even when I know that I need to get over it soon.

More than anything now, actually,

I need my drug.

I haven't had my fix in too long

And despite all the fun I've had lately

the sadness comes back when I'm all alone.

IB HERE I COME.

Hahahaha I may say IB here I come but I think I'm super unprepared ahhahaa. But today was relatively productive so I'm happy :):) I guess air-con makes the brain work better hahaha YAY. And the little-or-not-so-little English lesson was very useful :) Mr C is helpful and wonderful as usual ahhaha. Mmmm dinner was heavy and fattening mmm not very good at all. FATTY FATTY.

Can't believe that da:ns fest is over. Felt weird just now when I got back home at like, 10:40pm. Normally it's like MIDNIGHT when I reach home on Mondays.

I REALLY MISS DANCE.
God is it addictive. Sigh.

Today has been a pretty happy day :):) until just now. Ahwell. :(

TOMORROW I NEED TO CHOREO AND STUDY CHEM AND MATH OHNO!
bzzzzzzzzzzzzt.

092510555. Invisible. Inspired.

Sooo da:ns fest is over. Sigh. It was great fun and all, though I did a thankfully-nearly-unnoticeable mistake during the performance =D hahaha. Gonna miss the practices and the people :) Loved my hair and my makeup haha. It's rather sad that the performances that I looked forward to the most were significantly better during the rehearsal runs, even though it was so bloody frickin' HOT during the rehearsal runs :( One dancer particularly caught my eye, and never seemed to escape much from my eye throughout the entire program...even in the real performance, where the entertainment level dropped significantly, to my utter dismay :( But yeah, if you're reading this and you know who you are, I want to tell you that I'm eternally grateful for having allowed me to watch you, because you've inspired me more than anyone ever had in my life to dance as if my life depended on it. Haha. I've always been able to FEEL for a song, but I guess that I haven't really tried to show it that much...until today. Or more like, last night. Haha.

But as always, reality strikes back even when you'd much rather live inside a dream. A utopic dream where everything is just as you would like it to be. Wishful thinking much -.-

Strange comments. Unexpected gossips. Weird matchmaker. Envious stares. Mine by the way. Observation. Confusion. Incomprehension. Love. Love. What a painful word.

In life, there will always be people that you admire, and often times, there will also be people who admire you, sometimes for aspects of yourself that you never even thought much about nor treasured much.
At the same time, there will always be people that you take for granted, as well as people who take you for granted. That's just the way life is. Too much of anything is bad. Moderation is key. Admiration will bring about admiration, neglect will bring about neglect. That's what Mr. Karma says, and I believe that it's really true. I've taken too much for granted, and now it's my turn to feel how it's like to be taken for granted. And damn, the feeling sucks. So bad that I don't mind dying now. In fact, dying sounds more attractive than losing you. Or am I overdramatizing things? Hope not. 'Cause the tears that I've been wanting to cry seem to refuse to be held back anymore. Are you even worth these tears? Hell if I know. It doesn't even seem to matter now, does it?

Si je parle une certaine langue asiatique, peut-etre je serais plus proche avec toi. C'est la premiere fois dans ma vie que j'espere que j'ai etudier parler la langue, mais je la deteste encore. Tu parlais la langue parce que tu ne voulais pas que je comprenne ce que tu as dit? Alors, tu as reussit, bien. Exclusivist much.

I wish for so many things, but I know that none of them will come true.

555

One second in world history

Eternity in my history.

Immortalized, emblazoned forever

in my bank of memories.

Such a simple gesture,

yet it yielded such abundant happiness

more than chocolates ever could.

At the same time,

I realize how pathetic I've become

to be so affected by something so simple.

A million questions are raging to be fired

and yet the trigger seems too heavy for me to pull

'cause the risks of firing

almost overshadow the satisfaction that may be gained from it.

A nuisance? A bother? An annoying bug?

Is that what you see when I come to mind?

'Cause I think I'll disappear

if only you ordered me to.

And I'll make sure that you don't see the torrent of tears that follow.

Or perhaps I am just invisible

Like the air that you breathe but never notice

Yup, I get it;

I shall spare you from my dreadful company.

I need to stop wanting things that I can't have

but that's so hard to do when your heart refuses to be controlled.

To some, impossibility deters.

To others, impossibility allures.

I hope I am deterred before it's too late,

because this drug that I'm addicted to

is more potent than anything I've ever encountered.

It haunts me when I'm awake

and it haunts me even more when I'm asleep.

It lingers in my mind

like a succubus.

You know it's bad for you

but you just can't get away from it

and you can never get enough of it.

Such is the power of your poison.

Looking forward to 29.10.2009 :):) FREE FOOD! Need to start studying tomorrow or I'm so screwed for IB. Chemistry and English, here I come. Hopefully I will come, haha.

I love him. So much that it hurts.

Like a Virgin. Like a Drug.

A virgin in blogging, obviously. Haha.

Never before has it appealed to me to disseminate my innermost thoughts and feelings for the whole wide world (or more like the world wide web) to feast their eyes upon. Not that it does now, of course. But I guess that a little part of me, who has been trying to bottle up a plethora of emotions, thoughts, and feelings, is beginning to feel overtaxed, and it's fast running out of space. So, since the world wide web has practically limitless memory space, I decided to make use of it and save that little part of me before it kills my entire being. Though of course, I'll make sure that my privacy is retained :)

For those of you who are wondering, the title of this blog literally translates to "The Songs of My Heart", which is exactly what this blog is meant to be. Things that my heart wants to scream out to the world but never had the chance to do so. Thus this blog isn't really meant for entertainment, if that's what you're here for, as it's meant more for me than for you, haha. Though I hope you gain something from reading my entries nonetheless :)

This virgin blogpost somehow coincides with an important dance performance of mine -- I guess I slept too much today so I'm not that sleepy despite the fact that it's kinda 1 AM now. EXCITED MUCH :) Though it's not my first dance performance, it is one that has meant a lot to me, process-wise especially :) I've learnt a lot from the experience and I've made lots of wonderful friends. It's really quite saddening that it's all going to end tonight (though I should actually be rejoicing at the amount of precious hours I'm going to have to mug after this... -_-) but I guess and hope that the friendships will continue beyond tonight until forevermore :):)

Just a few hours ago was my hostel's farewell dinner, which was boring and unappetizing, as expected. How could a 'farewell' be exciting and touchy and whatever when the only person you really know in the entire hostel is your own roommate -.- not that I ever regret not getting to know the rest, since they're not exactly my kind of people, but ahwell. Waste of time. Listened to my iPod for most of the time when I wasn't eating. I'm crazy in love with SHOW IT by DEMARCO and INSOMNIA by CRAIG DAVID. I'm also crazy in love with the choreo I learnt yesterday to SHOW IT :):) it goes so well with the song! Haha. Loving Insomnia for how smooth Craig David's voice is. It's just so bloody addictive. Ahh :)

It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me.

It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me
-ADDICTED by KELLY CLARKSON-