Time watches as the chains grow tighter.

It's been quite a while since I last posted! Hmmm and plenty has happened. The Imperial Beast has officially been conquered, with the last obstacle being largely unexceptional. My days have been filled with dance and more dance, until finally prom came to fruition on 24.11.2009 and we performed the dance that took roughly 5 days to prepare. I guess the performance was alright but messy. Not exactly unexpected since we barely ever practiced with full-length mirrors. It was fun nonetheless!

Preparations for prom after the dance took so long that we only went down when prom was 10-15 minutes away from ending. Heard food was horrid though, so I didn't feel too bad about missing all the food even though that's essentially what I paid $110 for. HAHA. Camwhoring sessions after that were nothing short of fun, although because I don't have a camera I had to jew off everybody else's cameras -.- . Went after-party shortly after thanks to the powerful powers of persuasion of a certain burmese girl. It was relatively un-crowded but towards the end I had some fun dancing with a bunch of crazy high people :). My heels were killing me though; they were comfortable but I guess the height inevitably made it difficult to balance, especially when I was doing my typical high-energy dancing, made possible by the availability of space. MY PHONE DIED T_T

The next day I watched Jennifer's Body, which was, in short, dumb and pointless. Quite scary yes. Gory yes. But it lacks substance, and it kinda seems like a movie that is simply intended to flaunt Megan Fox's supposed hotness. But ahwellll. Later at night I watched My Girlfriend is an Agent, which was definitely better than Jennifer's Body. It was very humorous and the lead male character was plain dumb and hopeless, though he sorta saved the day in the end. The casting crew did well in choosing him to play the role; his face made it easy for him to play the role of a laughable loser. Okay that was a mean comment, but at least he made the movie funny. Haha!

191109024243
marks one of the most intense moments
of my life.
All I wanted then
was to dig a hole and bury myself
so no one would ever find me.
The embarrassment was so strong
that nothing in this world
could ever erase this moment
from my bank of memories.
Boldness I was blessed with
and I'm quite grateful that I chose to be honest
with you and with myself
because if I hadn't let it out then
and decided to keep it bottled in me
I think I would've died
of suffocation
and involuntary muteness.

The chains around my heart
grow stronger and tighter by the day
I don't know how much more I can take
before I go insane.
I'm acting all weird
my heart is free
but it believes it isn't
and my body's rejecting things
it never used to mind
and I don't know why.

What's wrong with me, really.

Watched 2012 the day MATH officially became history. Extremely epic the movie was; visual effects were mind-bogglingly awesome and the suspenseful actions kept me at the edge of my seat for most of the movie. However, there were admittedly some cliche elements in the movie; like how a conveniently died for the happiness of the protagonist, how those who died were the corrupt ones, how goodness and kindness triumphed in the end, and how every agony and suspense are prolonged as much as possible until the very last possible moment. It's essentially a very made-to-be-popular kind of movie, but it does make me think quite a bit about certain things....is it really true that everything that happens in this world occurs by chance? Is it really better to save a small pool of 'superior genes' and forsake the 'undesirables'? If everything depends on chance, then should we just leave everything to fate?

Buuuut then again, the visuals were amazing. I seriously don't get how people do it. It seems so impossible. -.-

Thursday's girls hiphop dance was insaaaaaaaanely fast but veerrrrry nice! Haha. It was challenging and fun, and it gave me plenty of things to work and practise on. Gimmie Gimmie Gimmie :):)

I don't know what's happening to me

I have been strong

and I want to continue to be strong

because I know I can

but I find myself checking my phone

every so often

and feeling disappointed

when it doesn't come.

When it does, though

it never fails to make me smile

such is the power that it has

and such is how weak I am.

I feel so vulnerable

I should be strong

I should be selfless

but somehow, against my will

I can feel wetness on my eyes.

I don't want to be like this

I want to stop

but I don't want to stop.

I'm holding on to something

that may never bear the fruits I want

but I'm too scared to let go.

I don't even understand why

I became this way

we are so similar

and yet so different.

Am I investing on something worthwhile?

or am I just being the usual me

helplessly heart-controlled?

I miss you so bad it's not funny.

I want you here now

I always do.

But I know it'll never happen.

And I'm just killing myself

slowly but surely.

Brimming with love and happiness :)

Today had been amazingly wonderful :) danced like crazy but loved every second of it. I quite like the choreo I learnt today, but it far from beats Kiss Me Thru the Phone =D one of my all-time favorites for sure. Dance was fun as usual, tiring here and there due to the crazy crunches (I think I did like, 48 x 5 = 240 crunches today, plus plank!! HOLY CRAP!!) and after dance some of us lingered for a bit before heading across for dinner. I laughed so much my jaw hurt like crazy, but I loved it HAHA. Everyone was just so awesomely retarded. But that's why I love them so much :)

Glad that I cleared some unnecessary misunderstanding today. I realize that I can really be very blunt most of the time. Not good for the soft-hearted =D

Waiting to spend more time with you

'cause I know it'll bring a smile to my face

whenever, wherever.

I want you to kiss me through the phone.

Among the many fruits on the shelf

my eyes were fixated on one

whose skin shines and sparkles

enticing, seducing, intoxicating.

But as I peel it off layer by layer

the less enchanting it becomes

and before I even reached the core

the taste became too sour

for me to continue eating.

Thus to the trash can it goes

and back to the market I go.

Today was a pretty awesome day! Learnt a fantastic choreo to the song Kiss Me Thru the Phone by Soulja Boy. It's an old choreo but nonetheless FANTASTIC! Hehehe. Practically walked from Paragon to Tanglin Mall repeating that song over and over while dancing in my head. The arguably long distance felt like nothing thanks to it! Hehe. One of those choreos that will always have a special place in my heart :)

By contrast, yesterday wasn't as gleeful...because certain people were exhibiting racist behavior, which I seriously cannot stand. I find that it's highly narrow-minded to believe that the value of a person lies, first and foremost, in his origin. #%#@%#$??! My intense reaction to such behavior led to some misunderstandings and misinterpretations, but all that is past now. Sigh. At least now I have confirmed the place I'll be staying at from December onwards. So happy! :)

Truly now,

I have found something

that I know I will treasure

for sunshine it brings

to my head and heart.

Anything I will do

to keep it close and dear

this gem that I've found

even when it means

keeping something else

tightly under wraps

invisible and unfindable.

Loving the cold rainy night. :)

Almost a week has passed since my last post, and all I can say is that this week has been an amazingly eventful week. In both good and bad, I guess, haha. Shared much laughter with my peers -- victims stuck on the island -- as we work together to overcome the many obstacles preventing us from leaving this dreadful island. Some of us have already happily left, and the rest of us continue to fight our way through, refusing to bow down to the Imperial Beast.

As it has always been when it comes to literature, one can never be too sure whether he will score well or not. After all, a touch of subjectivity always plays a part in affecting the overall grade given. Overall, both commentaries were not bad, though in both cases, conclusions were not written due to lack of time.

Yesterday, however, was one of the worst days of my life. Having been accustommeed to a relatively illness-free life, the sudden pain that engulfed me almost the whole of yesterday was insanely unbearable. No, that's an understatement. It was so terribly awful that I sincerely felt like asking someone to kill me right there and then. It is difficult to describe in words, but it was as if a cruel monster was twisting my stomach around, causing random spurts of intense stomach pains that rendered me faint and limp. I could barely stand. My limbs felt useless and lifeless, and I was sweating despite the fact that I felt cold. I even looked paler than usual, which is noteworthy knowing how pale I already am naturally. Eventually, I had diarrhea, and the doctor concluded that I had food poisoning -- though I'm rather clueless as to which food caused this abominable pain -- but I felt much better after relieving myself (in the form of diarrhea, no less) and after taking several medications. That is also noteworthy, as it was the FIRST time in my four-year stay in Singapore that I actually took medication for an illness. Normally I would just rely on my body's natural healing capabilities to do the trick, but this time the pain was bad enough to motivate me to take the medicines. By now, I hope I have successfully convinced you that the pain was unimaginably terrible and beyond anything else I've ever felt before. I am now surer than ever about not wanting to give birth, EVER. If this much pain made me want to die, I would not want to imagine how childbirth would be like.

Yet, being the dance addict that I am, I still went for class despite still recovering from the detestable illness called food poisoning. Girl's hiphop =D as expected, I was lacking in energy because of all the diarrhea I had that day, and to add to that, I didn't eat dinner, afraid that the food may trigger further diarrheas. Hence, I felt unusually weak and I caught the choreo much more slowly than usual. My ears were also buzzing endlessly throughout the class, which eventually gave me a pretty bad headache. After the class ended, nausea took over and my poor stomach was forced to vomit its contents out -- much better than if the nausea had been unrelievable. I vomited a second time during a taxi ride, which might have been partially attributed to the dance class I had, though perhaps the main reason was the incompetent driver's jerky, unskilled driving, because my dad felt slightly nauseous too.

Viewed three rooms yesterday with my dad and aunt. First room was dark and small, thus an obvious no-no. Second and third rooms were much better, but my dad and aunt preferred the second one although I liked the third one better. The third unit seemed cozier, although the common area was smaller. Loved the fact that there is a big mirror inside the unit -- wonderful for dancing! Hehe. The second room is not bad either, because the room itself is quite cozy although the common area isn't as nice. There is no mirror :( though it is admittedly spacious enough for me to dance now and then :).

Today (friday) had been much, much better than thursday. Learnt a wonderful choreo to the song 'Not Your Enemy'. I love the choreography tremendously, just as much as I like the song, because it gives so much opportunity to emote. Some parts of the choreo were admittedly a little challenging (my turns suck like shit! hahah!) but I still love it nonetheless. After the long 5-hour class, I had a very noisy, laughterful dinner with wonderful dance friends and the instructor himself =D we laughed and joked so much and so loudly that we got scolded :(. But it was all in good fun. Loved the company tremendously :)

Despite having gone through almost 5 hours of nonstop dancing in school, I still went for more classes afterwards. Never regretted the decision though -- I LOVE BOTH CHOREOS =D I was surprisingly and unexpectedly alert, thus I caught the steps quite easily and quite quickly, although the first choreo was a little fast and challenging at some parts. Love the quirkiness of the song and the multitude of intricate beats (and of course, how the choreographer has smartly used those intricate beats -.- ). The second choreo was very enjoyable too because the song is SOOO NICE =D and again, my alertness allowed me to catch the steps relatively quickly, and some of the steps were pretty natural for me, making it even nicer to dance :) 'Three' by Britney Spears. Heheh =P

Just now I viewed a music video by TaeYang for the song 'Wedding Dress' and I checked the translation for the lyrics. It's so touching and it describes so perfectly the way I'm feeling right now. Almost enough to make me cry =S hahaha. But I'm over the 'melodramatic' stage by now. Glad I am. :)

Ohwell, tomorrow I need to wake up early for more viewings and to study. Sigh.

The potent, addictive drug

that used to occupy my mind

in wakefulness and in sleep

seems to have transformed

into an adorable baby.

No longer does it have

that strangling hold

which leaves me helpless

and breathless.

No longer does it keep

me enslaved and chained

like a servant who does

anything it wishes.

It has bloomed into something

healthier, something sweeter

something I want to take care of

and make happy and healthy.

Really, it just needs to smile

and life is suddenly worth living.

And the caterpillar has grown into a butterfly...

It seems like yesterday

when that caterpillar

sneakily found its way

to this hidden corner.

Life it has since given

to this much forgotten

place where euphoria and

pain go hand-in-hand.

Euphoric it was

when he first came.

Eager the corner was

to welcome the new game.

Yet the walls soon crack

as the caterpillar become

a cocoon that takes back

all the life given and some.

Painful it was

when the cocoon reigned.

Suffering the corner was

but endurance it feigned

because whenever it remembered

the joy the caterpillar radiated

like a contagious disease

the pain seemed to cease

at least for a while.

But only for a while.

After what seemed like eternity,

the corner watches as

a beautiful, winged entity

emerges from the cocoon

just when the limits of sanity

seem alarmingly close.

Though exceedingly pretty

the corner never saw much of her;

pleased by the newfound liberty,

she soon disappears into the horizon

without ever looking back.

And it is back to dull, dreary days

for the corner once again.

Mmmm, it took pretty long to write that poem -.- but I love it. It describes so well something that has happened over and over again in my life. Really, love is forever playing hide-and-seek with me in my life; when I look for it, it's always hiding, yet when I stop looking, it comes looking for me. I don't know whether this is true for everyone, but it has been proven time and time again in this pathetic life of mine. I guess nobody's perfect, hm? =(

Friday was an awesome day, because half my IB papers were overr! So naturally I celebrated with a bout of self-indulgence in the form of dancing. For 3.5 hours non-stop no less. Contemporary Jazz plus Lyrical Hiphop plus Jazz Funk. I loved all three classes though. Contemporary Jazz was inspiring, and the other two classes were very fun and enjoyable because I loved the choreographies, even though they were very different. I loved how the Lyrical Hiphop choreo was so emotional, just like the song -- and the song was so beautiful too! Jazz Funk was just sexy and fun. :) Although the choreography was very fast, the style somehow suits me pretty well, even though the song isn't something I normally listen to.

Yet, despite Friday's awesomeness, on Saturday morning, I woke up finding myself in a long tunnel with glass walls on each side and a blurred image of a person at the other end of the tunnel. As I passed through the tunnel, I can see so many familiar faces behind the glass walls. I called out to them, yet they couldn't hear me because of the glass walls. The glass walls seemed nonexistent then, and I felt the terrible feeling of loneliness and being unwanted, and suddenly, life doesn't seem to be worth living anymore. Funnily enough, Neopets (like, OMG!) made me feel a lot better, and the blurred vision at the end of the tunnel gradually looked more and more like me, until it became crystal clear, and I found myself again.

I'm especially thankful towards a certain friend who has never failed to treat me with kindness no matter how harsh I've been. It has always struck me that I never deserved any of this kindness, and yet it is given in such great abundance. Thank you, really. For the cab and the awesome food. :)

After the pretty much unproductive Saturday (although, remembering how terrible my mood was, trying to study wouldn't have worked well either), I spent the entire Sunday studying. After all, I'm still on the island. Escape is coming ever closer though. Can't wait! :) Studied with a friend who never fails to engage me in 'silly but intellectual discussions' and make me laugh. Am especially tickled by the phrase "getting killed often". HAHA.

Well, the dollar-sign monsters that assaulted me just this morning were pretty alright, though slightly tougher to handle than usual. I think the lack of sleep has reduced the alertness of my mind -.- gotta get ready to face alphabet-monsters soon.

It amazes me

how fast this addiction was cured.

All it took was a snap

and it was gone.

And now from a drug

you have become almost a nonentity

that leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Spitefulness is not in my nature

so apathy you shall receive.

I shall keep the green monster under check

because even under apathy's reign

it can still escape

and wreck my heart with unnecessary pain.

I got my fix, at last.

Well well, the numerical monsters that I had to tackle today are about as sneaky as those that I had to deal with the previous day. However, I was mighty pleased with the dollar-sign monsters that came out shortly after, because they're not as mutated as the numerical monsters, hence exterminating them was not as difficult. I'm just hoping that the next batch of dollar-sign monsters will be as manageable.

Since I've been such a good girl in finishing all the crazy tasks passed to me by the Imperial Beast, he granted me a short break from the island and allowed me to go to the mainland for about 4 hours. I finally got to dance after not having done so since last Friday, and I had 3.5 hours' worth of it! I know I'd probably suffer physically when I wake up tomorrow, but I know I needed the dancing. And the choreos I learnt today were far from disappointing -- I'm loving every second of it! :) I need to neaten my steps though, maybe I should tie my hair O.o oh, the horror. Not that I hate tying my hair, it's just that the hairband always comes off when I dance, so it becomes more of a hindrance. Plus, I can't do the hair flicks that I like so much :( but I guess in choreos that require plenty of head movements, it makes things look rather messy -.- need to practice the skill of keeping my hair off my face HAHA.

I feel so motivated to dance now, after having witnessed so many great dancers perform today during the classes. I have faith in myself that I can do it. I just need to put in the effort :)

But ahwell, I'm back on the island now. I need to sharpen my spears and prepare my armor for the dollar-sign monsters that are going to assault me this coming Monday.

An upbeat, happy tune started playing

and my body was forced to emerge

from the ocean that it was immersed in.

Slowly, my eyes registered

that it was early in the morning

and that I should prepare myself

for the calamity that is about to strike.

Yet my mind reeled with

the still-fresh images

of brilliantly colored fishes

of magnificent glimmering shells

of vibrant, plentiful sea plants

that my eyes just saw

deep under the water surface.

Why, oh why

wouldn't these fishes, shells, and plants

ever jump out of the sea

and become part of the sky?

It struck me today

that drug is not appropriate

to describe the way

you and my life relate.

You occupy my mind

in wakefulness and in sleep

you may think that I am blind

but my addiction was really that deep.

Yet I know
that should you disappear today

I will survive.

Because although I want you

I don't need you.

Because I don't need people

who don't need me.

Cartel was nice and super filling today. :)

Let that chord strike once more.

Yesterday was one of the funnest, happiest days I've had in a while :) my fellow victims are as gay and happy as ever, even as they were preparing as hard as they could to please the Boss. Throughout the day yesterday, I spent most of my time laughing -- and being laughed at. Some people somehow find me extremely amusing, to my extreme bafflement and incomprehension. All I have to do is open my mouth and laughters follow suit like a domino effect.

Today seemed tenser and more stressful because many people are terribly scared of the monsters that awaited us today afternoon, monsters that will supposedly pop out of the Mathematical Jungle in the form of pi, theta, sigma, and all other symbols known to man. We're all supposed to be pretty well-equipped to handle each and every type of monster that pops out at us; after all, these two years have been spent learning about their weak points and how to best defeat them. Yet the monsters this year are particularly potent -- seems that, like bacteria, they have developed some sort of resistance against our conventional methods. Is that it, or are we ill-prepared? Let's hope it's the former.

I listen to music so much these days that I think deafness is approaching at an alarmingly accelerated rate. Yet no matter what, I can't stop. Though all the songs I listen to are sad, melancholic songs, they give me a sense of inner peace, contentment, and happiness that no happy song could ever achieve. Sadness truly is beautiful.

<3 piano, violin, and cello.

It seemed almost like fate

that day when I walked aimlessly

treading roads, passing gates

and caught a faint, delicate tune

a tune that struck a chord

in my famished heart

and has never left since then.

As my heart burst with glee

for finding this godlike tune

it begins to emanate

with the essence of this song

wanting to let everyone know

how wonderful it is.

I saw your heart stir

much like how mine have been

and my heart is now fuller

knowing that both our hearts have been

helplessly struck by the same mellow chord.

Somebody once said,

"you know that feeling 

like you wanna screw him but you just can't?"

One moment of silence passed

and spontaneously,

without ever discussing nor coming to an agreement,

three voices slurred in unison,

"Nooooo?"

and all hell broke loose.

Even the devil

would have shaken with laughter

at that one epic moment.

:)

Begone you shall, metals and ions and whatnots.

My nearly-done concoction isn't looking too bad, much to my relief. At least this way the Imperial Beast will not fall ill and puke and thus dispatch his entrusted battalion of Angers and Disappointments against me. In fact, he seemed pretty pleased when a sample of my concoction landed itself on his hungry, greedy lips. I guess studying the massive Book of Ingredients was helpful after all.

By tomorrow morning (or more like later), my concoction will be finished and I can finally bid farewell to that Book of Ingredients that I'm so not going to miss. The Imperial Beast seems quite keen on testing me further so he decided to employ me as his personal secretary -- which means I'm going to take care of his appointments, memorize the phone numbers of all those VIPs so I can call them as and when he wants me to, prepare any statistical data that he might need, and calculate his daily calorie intake to make sure that he is not severely overweight. As if the Book of Ingredients wasn't enough, I'm going to have to deal with the Book of Numbers soon enough, and the Book of Numbers is at least twice as challenging and as thick as the Book of Ingredients. Yuck much.

My fellow victims-of-the-Imperial-Beast seem generally pleased with their nearly-done concoctions today, and are working hard to finish them by tomorrow morning. They're such jolly, crazy people, these fellows of mine. I'm going to miss them terribly if and when I get to escape from this island of overtime work and excessive studying, after I emerge victorious in my battle against the Imperial Beast. Yup, the Imperial Beast is nothing that I can't handle, isn't he?

I wanna keep drowning

in this bottomless sea

where schools of fish flash by me

in a brilliant spray of colors

and the sun's blinding rays

form brilliant crystals that move and sway

as if painted on the very threads

that coalesce into this expanse of seawater.

Beautiful, colorful, pleasant

just like how I imagine life to be like.

Yet my lungs never fail

to remind me to resurface

to know my place

for the sea is not where I belong

as alluring and addictive as it may be

I would immerse myself forever

if only I possess a fish's gills.

Thus it's time to take that breath

to satiate these deprived lungs

and face the bleak grey sky once again.

And the monster has arrived.

Your life seems to fly over an endless expanse of green, flowery meadows, and suddenly, without realizing, it crashlanded in an uncharted island stuck in the middle of the impossibly vast ocean. Everywhere you look, there's just water and more water. However, you soon realize that you're not alone in this deserted island; each crashlanded survivor seems to be actively trying to find their way back to the beautiful mainland.

Because the monster that is IB has made his presence known to all these unlucky individuals. It has descended upon us from the uncharted heavens (though hell seems more like it) to block every possible exit from the island to the mainland until the stipulated time. Until then, all these island adventurers will simply have to find the means to survive.

My first test for survival is coming in about 12 hours' time. I'd like to say that I'm excited to see the black moldy cauldron and to try to blend a magical concoction in it, but somehow the idea does not sound very appealing, especially when the ingredients available for me are anything but appetizing. Ahwell, if my concoction can satisfy the beastly belly of the IB monster, perhaps the IB monster will like me and I'd be allowed to escape to the mainland every now and then. Yeah, that I shall do. After all, I've been spending this entire day reading and memorizing all the possible ways that the concoction can go wrong.

One earful of a slothful day.

If I were to sum up today (or yesterday) in one word, it would be slothful. What with my body glued to the comfortable surface of my bed throughout the entire day save during mealtimes and toilet times. With the gruesome monster that is IB greeting me at my doorsteps in less than 48 hours, the responsible me has obviously begun to touch the lustful, hungry, neglected chemistry notes that have been soundlessly screaming for my attention since weeks ago. Ah well, I'm gonna need to satiate it so that when IB monster comes in to check my room, it will satisfactorily nod at the happy state of my unneglected, sated chemistry notes, as well as the chemmified state of my brains. Sigh. And after that I also have mathematics and economics to attend to. What a drag.

However, being the pleasure-seeking person that I am, I've also found plenty of things to entertain myself with so that chemistry darling doesn't bore me to the core. I found so many beautiful songs online, all of which are sad -- after all, when it concerns music, my definition of BEAUTIFUL is not complete without SAD being there. Sad music makes me happy, in a twisted, subversive way. I find sad songs beautiful and touching, and I can never get enough of them. What a way to slowly but surely degenerate myself into eternal deafness. The songs are worth it though, haha. Japanese creations never fail to mesmerize me and my wanton ears.

Other than that, I've also been feasting my eyes upon possible future humble abodes of mine as I art and dance my way through pre-university preparations. It sucks that photos are few and far in between, and prices never seem friendly after 4 years of free accommodation. All the same, I'm undescribably excited and exhilarated at the prospect of finally living by myself without annoying staff members acting all worried when I know that they're just trying to do what they're paid for, and especially, without that irritating, abominable monster named C-U-R-F-E-W. It really sucks to have a curfew when you're already legal, don't you think?

Anything, I'd do anything

to get that fix again

and reexperience that surge of high.

Even if I need to

travel to the ends of the world

just to find that precious diamond

you so desire.
Even if I need to

surf through the vast oceans

and record all the beautiful melodies

that the sea's mighty fingers

have masterfully created.

Anything, anything at all

because when happiness is born in you

the reaction is always tenfold

on my part.

And for that surge of high

anything goes.
So when I got my fix today
after having waited
for what seemed like forever
words could not describe my elation
even when it only lasted
a little more than an hour.
Odd, is it not?
To be so dominated
by a powerful force
that does not even realize
the extent of its powers?