Floating between reality and imagination.

Yesterday was an awesome dayy. Studying was alright, dance was mega fun -- jazz funk was especially MAD! Hahaha it's amazing I didn't get a headache from all that headbangs. But I looove the choreo hahaha. Watched Halloween II afterwards. It was full of shit. Hahaha. It's like some M18 gorefest with disgusting sound effects and countless vulgarities. A highly recommended watch if you feel like staying away from meat for prolonged periods of time for diet purposes, or if you simply want to experience the rare, unorthodox opportunity to laugh during a horror movie. I believe it's more of a gore movie than a horror movie though, haha. It's highly recommended to not watch this if you're seeking a quality movie to pass your precious free time.

Company was wonderful :) had tons of laughters and shared plenty of jokes not to be discussed here, haha. As the day was generally quite rainy throughout, the post-movie early-morning air was very refreshing and cooling, and the occasionally powerful winds kept me comfortable and cool. I never knew that the morning air could be so wonderful. Clearly I don't wake up early very much, haha!

Met a good friend who accompanied me from dawn til noon. Sorry for falling asleep here and there!! Couldn't help it, my eyes felt like they weighed a ton, not surprising after having not been allowed to drop for almost 24 hours. I guess I'm just a weakling who cannot survive without sleep. SIGH. -.-

I'm currently in love with the saddest, most beautiful song I've ever heard in my life. So beautiful it is that it has inspired me to write a poem, a first in my life. =D hahaha.

In this hauntingly beautiful melody,

I eagerly drown myself in the bottomless ocean

ignoring the fishes' pleas to remedy

this burgeoning addiction.

These thought bubbles of my fixation
keep fluctuating between submerging from and drowning

in this sea of imagination.

Am I seeing or am I dreaming?

With each new day

ever since your fateful foray

a new teardrop is born to see

her fellow droplets in the sea

drowning my beloved bubbles deeper and deeper.

Will they ever submerge again, I wonder?

Could they ever fly

and become a permanent cloud in the sky?

As I indulge myself in contemplation,
my own body seems to swim deeper and deeper

into the dark oblivion

addicted to the feeling of being embraced by the water

Will I return to the ground in time?

Before the sea imprisons my being
and makes it impossible to climb

back to the world of the seeing.

Ahwell, there goes the first poem I've ever written in my life. :) Quite happy with the way it turns out, especially because it describes my current sentiments very well as well as my whole life in general, which has been unnaturally replete with unrequited love, as cliche as it sounds. I've either been very unlucky or I'm just unnaturally idealistic =S but yeah, I'm highly prone to all these fixations. Good and bad I suppose, haha!

Today was an incredibly rainy day, with plenty of thunders too O.o it's such a coincidence that today is HALLOWEEN >.< it was so dark and foggy that I couldn't see anything in the near distance, obscured by the dull fog. Lightnings permeate through the fog almost every minute, to be followed by their noisier counterparts shortly after, each one seemingly louder than its predecessor. But as I am writing now, the rain has calmed down considerably :)

I was supposed to attend Danz People's launch party but the rain and the fact that IB is only TWO DAYS AWAY made me reconsider. Even as I am sitting (or more like lying down) at home now, I kind of wonder what would it have been like if I had gone. They must be having fun camwhoring and all :( ahwell, facebook shall enlighten me on that soon enough. That reminds me of the photos taken during the Artist Party two days ago -- I LOOK SO WHITE ITS SCARY -.- I guess it goes with my typical black-and-red color scheme but STILL! Sometimes I wish I were tanner, though I have a feeling that it doesn't really suit me. And being tan would mean that I can't look as goth =S

Okay, I better start reading my chemistry notes, which seem to have begun collecting dust. -.- Aaaand the rain seems to have stopped.

I miss you. I know I shouldn't,

and it doesn't really make sense

but I do.

I want to see you so bad

but I dare not let you know.

'Cause I have a feeling

that it'll just drive you away from me.

Why must you be so cold?

What have I done wrong?

But then again

I have no right to ask these questions

when I was myself

the perpetrator of the exact same crimes

just not to you, I guess.

Dancedancedance.

Had artist party today :) food was pretty cool but the company was awesome hahaha. AB EXERCISE MUCH! Camwhore also hahaa. Mm overall it was really fun =) studying-wise, today was quite productive too. HEHE. Overall it's a good day. Loved the top I wore today. :) All-time fave!

Dance or fashion? I love both, but between the two, dance is the one that I can't live without. I've fallen too deeply in love, drowned in too deep, no longer able to get out. This goes for quite a lot of things in my life...I fall in love too easily, and yet it's so difficult for me to get out of them. How unfair is that? Passion drives my life, always has been and always will be. With no passion I'm just a lifeless fool.

I've been listening to so much music I think I'll go deaf soon. And IB is coming in like, 5 days.

Part of your world.

ANOTHER DAY OF MUGGING O.o but at least I danced quite a bit today. Can't seem to live without dance now, it's as important as breathing to me. My pirouettes seem to be getting better! Yay :)) Finished teaching prom choreo today -- hope it'll look much neater by prom hahaa, but so far so good =P Perspired so much it was like I just showered in sweat. Okay yuck, that sounds gross. Imagine a sweat-spitting showerhead -.-

ANYWAYS I had my first jazz funk class today! Haha mm still not used to the style but I like it :)) will probably be taking more classes of that genre. It's quite 'me'ish anyway. But I think I was quite tired today...a bit slower than usual in catching steps.
I can't wait til IB is over so I can be hardcore dancing. OOOOOH THE DREAM LIFE.

Need to finish a lit commentary early tomorrow morning OHNOO at least the passage is humorous and interesting! =)
I miss texting. =(

Look at this stuff
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl

The girl who has everything?
Look at this trove
Treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Looking around here you think
Sure, she's got everything
I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty
I've got whozits and whatzits galore
You want thingamabobs?
I've got twenty!
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more

I wanna be where the people are
I wanna see, wanna see them dancin'
Walking around on those - what do you call 'em?
Oh - feet!

Flippin' your fins, you don't get too far
Legs are required for jumping, dancing
Strolling along down a - what's that word again?
Street

Up where they walk, up where they run
Up where they stay all day in the sun
Wanderin' free - wish I could be
Part of that world

What would I give if I could live out of these waters?
What would I pay to spend a day warm on the sand?
Bet'cha on land they understand
That they don't reprimand their daughters
Proper women sick of swimmin'
Ready to stand

And ready to know what the people know
Ask 'em my questions and get some answers
What's a fire and why does it - what's the word?
Burn?

When's it my turn?
Wouldn't I love, love to explore that world up above?
Out of the sea
Wish I could be
Part of that world

- PART OF YOUR WORLD from the LITTLE MERMAID -

I may not be a mermaid

wishing to tread the earth on my two feet

but this song aptly describes my sentiments

at least for today

because it just hit me

that we just don't belong in the same world.

And for that, impossibility remains.

But I'm never letting go of these lovely pink ribbons

that hold my heart intact with memories of you.

Everytime I see them I think of you

and my heart is instantly filled with warmth.

Call it addiction, call it obsession, even madness

but my heart is not ready to depart

from the sanctuary that it just found.

Even when it may be more like a prison than a sanctuary.

My heart doesn't seem to realize it, though

So enslavement ensues.

The saddest part is that

it doesn't mind being enslaved.

-.-

I need a rehab.

ANOTHER DAY OF PRODUCTIVE STUDYING :):) hahaha printed 12 dollars' worth of chemistry notes just now its CRAZYY. Ahwell, with exams starting just next week, I guess I should be scared O.o mmm studying in school is really productive.

AND WOW WE FINISHED CHOREOING :D we took one hour less than we thought we would hhahaha WE ARE PRO =D mmm so after tomorroww no more dance until after IB.

I MISS DANS FEST ALREADY T_T
dance is fast becoming an addiction for me hahaha. Having always been an artsy person, I guess I FEEL a lot...and dancing allows me to FEEL more than any other art form that I've tried. And it's seriously getting addictive HAHA. Right now I just wanna keep listening to all my most most favoritest songs and think of dance steps in my head =D

INSOMNIA is <3<3<3

Brain says,

I'm deeply sorry

but it seems difficult for me to envision

what you'd like me to.

I know I'm good in what I do.

After all, I've been supplying you with artistic inspirations all my life

so I know that it just doesn't work.

I don't like it.

Rationality says,

I know how you're feeling right now

but you don't seem to realize

that a thin veil is obscuring your sight

from seeing the truth.

Can you be comfortable?

Can you be yourself?

Are you just forcing things out?

There's no point in living a life

where you can't be you.

There's no point seeking what you think is happiness

when you know that suffering lurks right beneath that pleasant facade.

Confronted by the combined forces of Brain and Rationality, Heart can only say,

Yes, this is crazy

it's completely new

but then again, it's never not new.

I don't know why I'm like this either

I know it's not good

but I can't stop.

You know I'm very restless

I never stay in one place for long.

But this time I seem to have found a place

whose sticky, powerful snares

chain me to the ground

unforgiving and relentless

not allowing me to fly away like I normally do.

I know I need to fly away.

These snares are draining me dry

killing me slowly.

But as much as it pains me to stay here

it makes me just as happy.

So twisted, eh?

For someone who is blessed with all three

I am both grateful and regretful

that Heart wins my heart without fail

almost each and every single time.

Without Heart, I am lost

Without Heart, I am dead

Without Heart, I am not me.

Every single step I take

is taken with my Heart's approval.

Now Heart seems to want me to go left

but Brain and Rationality want me to go right.

Heart acknowledges that right is probably the right way

but it wants to go left nonetheless.

So what am I to do?

More than anything now,

I wish that I can read minds.

Everything will be so much easier that way.

More than anything now,

I need a rehab.

Heart is keeping me addicted to my drug

even when I know that I need to get over it soon.

More than anything now, actually,

I need my drug.

I haven't had my fix in too long

And despite all the fun I've had lately

the sadness comes back when I'm all alone.

IB HERE I COME.

Hahahaha I may say IB here I come but I think I'm super unprepared ahhahaa. But today was relatively productive so I'm happy :):) I guess air-con makes the brain work better hahaha YAY. And the little-or-not-so-little English lesson was very useful :) Mr C is helpful and wonderful as usual ahhaha. Mmmm dinner was heavy and fattening mmm not very good at all. FATTY FATTY.

Can't believe that da:ns fest is over. Felt weird just now when I got back home at like, 10:40pm. Normally it's like MIDNIGHT when I reach home on Mondays.

I REALLY MISS DANCE.
God is it addictive. Sigh.

Today has been a pretty happy day :):) until just now. Ahwell. :(

TOMORROW I NEED TO CHOREO AND STUDY CHEM AND MATH OHNO!
bzzzzzzzzzzzzt.

092510555. Invisible. Inspired.

Sooo da:ns fest is over. Sigh. It was great fun and all, though I did a thankfully-nearly-unnoticeable mistake during the performance =D hahaha. Gonna miss the practices and the people :) Loved my hair and my makeup haha. It's rather sad that the performances that I looked forward to the most were significantly better during the rehearsal runs, even though it was so bloody frickin' HOT during the rehearsal runs :( One dancer particularly caught my eye, and never seemed to escape much from my eye throughout the entire program...even in the real performance, where the entertainment level dropped significantly, to my utter dismay :( But yeah, if you're reading this and you know who you are, I want to tell you that I'm eternally grateful for having allowed me to watch you, because you've inspired me more than anyone ever had in my life to dance as if my life depended on it. Haha. I've always been able to FEEL for a song, but I guess that I haven't really tried to show it that much...until today. Or more like, last night. Haha.

But as always, reality strikes back even when you'd much rather live inside a dream. A utopic dream where everything is just as you would like it to be. Wishful thinking much -.-

Strange comments. Unexpected gossips. Weird matchmaker. Envious stares. Mine by the way. Observation. Confusion. Incomprehension. Love. Love. What a painful word.

In life, there will always be people that you admire, and often times, there will also be people who admire you, sometimes for aspects of yourself that you never even thought much about nor treasured much.
At the same time, there will always be people that you take for granted, as well as people who take you for granted. That's just the way life is. Too much of anything is bad. Moderation is key. Admiration will bring about admiration, neglect will bring about neglect. That's what Mr. Karma says, and I believe that it's really true. I've taken too much for granted, and now it's my turn to feel how it's like to be taken for granted. And damn, the feeling sucks. So bad that I don't mind dying now. In fact, dying sounds more attractive than losing you. Or am I overdramatizing things? Hope not. 'Cause the tears that I've been wanting to cry seem to refuse to be held back anymore. Are you even worth these tears? Hell if I know. It doesn't even seem to matter now, does it?

Si je parle une certaine langue asiatique, peut-etre je serais plus proche avec toi. C'est la premiere fois dans ma vie que j'espere que j'ai etudier parler la langue, mais je la deteste encore. Tu parlais la langue parce que tu ne voulais pas que je comprenne ce que tu as dit? Alors, tu as reussit, bien. Exclusivist much.

I wish for so many things, but I know that none of them will come true.

555

One second in world history

Eternity in my history.

Immortalized, emblazoned forever

in my bank of memories.

Such a simple gesture,

yet it yielded such abundant happiness

more than chocolates ever could.

At the same time,

I realize how pathetic I've become

to be so affected by something so simple.

A million questions are raging to be fired

and yet the trigger seems too heavy for me to pull

'cause the risks of firing

almost overshadow the satisfaction that may be gained from it.

A nuisance? A bother? An annoying bug?

Is that what you see when I come to mind?

'Cause I think I'll disappear

if only you ordered me to.

And I'll make sure that you don't see the torrent of tears that follow.

Or perhaps I am just invisible

Like the air that you breathe but never notice

Yup, I get it;

I shall spare you from my dreadful company.

I need to stop wanting things that I can't have

but that's so hard to do when your heart refuses to be controlled.

To some, impossibility deters.

To others, impossibility allures.

I hope I am deterred before it's too late,

because this drug that I'm addicted to

is more potent than anything I've ever encountered.

It haunts me when I'm awake

and it haunts me even more when I'm asleep.

It lingers in my mind

like a succubus.

You know it's bad for you

but you just can't get away from it

and you can never get enough of it.

Such is the power of your poison.

Looking forward to 29.10.2009 :):) FREE FOOD! Need to start studying tomorrow or I'm so screwed for IB. Chemistry and English, here I come. Hopefully I will come, haha.

I love him. So much that it hurts.

Like a Virgin. Like a Drug.

A virgin in blogging, obviously. Haha.

Never before has it appealed to me to disseminate my innermost thoughts and feelings for the whole wide world (or more like the world wide web) to feast their eyes upon. Not that it does now, of course. But I guess that a little part of me, who has been trying to bottle up a plethora of emotions, thoughts, and feelings, is beginning to feel overtaxed, and it's fast running out of space. So, since the world wide web has practically limitless memory space, I decided to make use of it and save that little part of me before it kills my entire being. Though of course, I'll make sure that my privacy is retained :)

For those of you who are wondering, the title of this blog literally translates to "The Songs of My Heart", which is exactly what this blog is meant to be. Things that my heart wants to scream out to the world but never had the chance to do so. Thus this blog isn't really meant for entertainment, if that's what you're here for, as it's meant more for me than for you, haha. Though I hope you gain something from reading my entries nonetheless :)

This virgin blogpost somehow coincides with an important dance performance of mine -- I guess I slept too much today so I'm not that sleepy despite the fact that it's kinda 1 AM now. EXCITED MUCH :) Though it's not my first dance performance, it is one that has meant a lot to me, process-wise especially :) I've learnt a lot from the experience and I've made lots of wonderful friends. It's really quite saddening that it's all going to end tonight (though I should actually be rejoicing at the amount of precious hours I'm going to have to mug after this... -_-) but I guess and hope that the friendships will continue beyond tonight until forevermore :):)

Just a few hours ago was my hostel's farewell dinner, which was boring and unappetizing, as expected. How could a 'farewell' be exciting and touchy and whatever when the only person you really know in the entire hostel is your own roommate -.- not that I ever regret not getting to know the rest, since they're not exactly my kind of people, but ahwell. Waste of time. Listened to my iPod for most of the time when I wasn't eating. I'm crazy in love with SHOW IT by DEMARCO and INSOMNIA by CRAIG DAVID. I'm also crazy in love with the choreo I learnt yesterday to SHOW IT :):) it goes so well with the song! Haha. Loving Insomnia for how smooth Craig David's voice is. It's just so bloody addictive. Ahh :)

It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me.

It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me
-ADDICTED by KELLY CLARKSON-