Identity.

This is not a very recent discovery, but I guess it is only recently that it became especially prominent in my life. Yes, I found that I have one major pet peeve : immaturity.

I guess immaturity can be defined and measured in many different ways, but to me, I think it's most apt to measure someone's maturity (or lack thereof) through his willingness to accept the truth. Being generally agreeable and accommodating, it's rare for me to be extremely annoyed or angry at someone, but a recent experience made me realize that of all possible personality/character traits, immaturity is the one thing that I cannot tolerate.

Perhaps it began long ago when I felt especially irritated by how my father fully utilized his authority as the head of the family to impose certain things on me (as well as my siblings) and refused to listen to any arguments from us. Essentially, he stubbornly holds on to his opinions and beliefs and allows no room for other people's opinions; that may not actually hold true for everybody, but I know that it at least applies to me. Being his daughter, who is currently dependent on him for survival, I have no choice but to abide by his rules, even though I can't accept them, simply because I knew that expressing my opinions wouldn't change anything; he is just too stubborn. Don't get me wrong and assume that he's a strict, demanding father with unreasonable rules; he may be unreasonable at certain things, such as disallowing sleepovers and forcing his children to pray against their will, but he is also very accepting and supportive at other things, such as how he willingly supports my hobby of dancing and my choice of university course: fashion design. For that, I am very grateful. However, that doesn't erase the fact that a certain aspect of his personality has greatly irked me since day 1: the refusal to listen.

Initially I simply assumed that I cannot tolerate narrow-mindedness (and indeed, until today, I still can't) but I have come to realize that narrow-mindedness isn't the core of the problem. Rather, it's the immaturity that manifests itself in his unwillingness to accept and consider other people's opinions, such as how religion is a personal choice and shouldn't be imposed on people just because their family believes in a particular religion. Or maybe I'm just irritated because I strongly believe in personal rights and choices.

Either way, a more recent experience led me to realize just how much immaturity can annoy me; this time, it's about a certain acquaintance who is especially talented in observing reality and twisting it around to suit and accommodate her own version of reality...one that is severely delusional. Said acquaintance is also a typical social wannabe who tries her very best to blend in and make more friends by being, literally, a chameleon: someone with no real personality and just adjusts herself to whoever she's trying to befriend. It's amazing, really, that someone can be so devoid of identity and character; that someone's brain can be so empty that it can only follow, never initiate. It's even more amazing that the very same person can be completely unaware of the glaringly obvious "i don't like you" vibes that my body language conveyed with no hesitation whatsoever. Seriously, when someone refuses to look you in the eye, and ignores the things you say, you'd have to be quite the idiot with incredibly low EQ to not notice that this person dislikes you very much, and is not afraid to show it.Sadly, such idiots really do exist in this world.

Upon further reflection, maybe it's not really immaturity or narrow-mindedness that is irritating me to great lengths, but instead a much more selfish cause: that they're different from me, and that they're the exact types of people I'd forever strive not to become. It's selfish because I dislike them for being different from me, but at the same time, it allows me to know myself better and prevents myself from becoming like them. As an avid hater of hypocrisy, I always remind myself of the things I dislike and cannot tolerate and tell myself to never commit those very acts. Still, is it selfish to dislike them for being different from me?

Of course I'm not selfish to the extent that I only like people who are very similar to me; in fact, many of my friends are quite diverse, and I'm naturally drawn to intriguing people. I noticed, however, that I really value and respect honesty and humility; conversely, I greatly despise hypocrites and people who only listen to themselves. It's usually quite easy for me to know whether a person is sincere or not, and I always treasure those that I know to be genuine and honest; they're truly hard to find these days.

My heart has been so confused lately

its wings have brought it round and round in a circle

unable to decide which island to land on.

One island is alluringly attractive

it promises adventure and excitement

yet it is also wrought with uncertainty;

the heart probably can't inhabit it for very long.

Another island is heartwarming

it will surely bring plenty of smiles and laughter

but it might just be plain adoration and nothing more

so the heart will probably keep hovering above it

without ever actually landing.

The last island is very familiar

the closest to a home that the heart can find

it is a haven that promises safety

and the heart can probably inhabit it for a long time

yet there is no excitement

no adventure

and the heart isn't sure

whether it's ready to sacrifice all that.

Which island will the heart eventually land on?

I can't quite explain why I'm so attracted to you

I just know that I keep missing those eyes

and my mind keeps reeling back those moments of closeness

that I will always cherish in my memory

I want to know you better

to unravel the mystery that you are

I want your affection

I want to have you near

yet I know it's probably impossible

it's rare that my wish comes true anyway.

But I miss you

and I wish that you'll get better. :)